Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 27

Idiots 2.

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 AM & 7:00 PM. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does most email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed. I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local towns.h.i.+p administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason : too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealers.h.i.+p to pick up our car we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the pa.s.senger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the mechnician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Girl Friend 7.0 or Wife 1.0.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of s.p.a.ce and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hockey 3.0, Hunting and Fis.h.i.+ng 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, cras.h.i.+ng the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help! Thanks.

A Troubled User.

REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT: Dear Troubled User, This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partners.h.i.+p Faults" (GPFs). "You must a.s.sume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circ.u.mstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Lawyer Jokes.

500 lawyers in the ocean.

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A Lawyer and A Politician.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

De-evolution.

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

An Honest Lawyer.

What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.

Bad Lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator Beautiful?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said "What happened to 'beautiful'? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Buried Lawyers .

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Burried 10 Feet Under.

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

C'mere Pig.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do!

Catfish and Lawyers.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a slimy sc.u.m-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Deathbed Lawyer.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?

He was looking for loopholes!

Defense Lawyer's Good News.

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Degrees of the Law.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?

A judge.

747 Full of Lawyers.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Drowning Lawyer.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Bill Of No Rights.

Our Rights: The following was written by State Representative from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident: ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.