Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 1

PART VII.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... G.o.d! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

14 Things Teachers Would Love To Write On A Student's Report Card.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic sling to hold itall together.

7. Student has been working with glue too much.

8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

9. Gates are down, lights are flas.h.i.+ng, but the >> > train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

13. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

14. If your child had two brain cells, they'd kill each other.

It's Sat.u.r.day morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the was.h.i.+ng machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"h.e.l.lo?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my G.o.d! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

Eight Gifts That Don't Cost A Cent 1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...

But you must REALLY listen.

No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response.

JUST LISTEN.

2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...

Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds.

Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for someone.

3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...

Clip cartoons.

Share articles and funny stories.

Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.

A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...

A simple and sincere, "You look great today,"

"You did a super job" (or) "That was a wonderful meal"

can make someone's day.

6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...

Every day, go out of your way to do something kind for someone you love.

7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone.

Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...

The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone.

Really, it's not that hard to say h.e.l.lo and Thank You.

One night, a father pa.s.sed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "G.o.d bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father rea.s.sured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "G.o.d bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "G.o.d bless Mommy. Bye Daddy."

Now the father was c.r.a.pping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank G.o.d you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

'SELF DEFENCE': - WHEN America invades a country (such as Iraq, Afghanistan, Vetnam, Cuba...) without UN approval.

'ACT OF AGGRESSION': - WHEN Saddam invades a country (such as Kuwait) without UN approval .

'FREEDOM OF MEDIA': - WHEN 'embedded' TV reporters film Iraqi prisoners of war on CNN (such as on March 21 and 22) .

'VIOLATION OF GENEVA CONVENTION': - WHEN American prisoners are shown on al-Jazeera (such as on March 23).

'ILLEGAL ENEMY COMBATANTS WITH NO LEGAL RIGHTS": - HUNDREDS of Taliban soldiers held in Guantanamo Bay .

'PRISONERS OF WAR UNDER GENEVA CONVENTION": - HANDFUL of American soldiers held in Iraq .

'AMERICA UNDER ATTACK':- WHEN foreigners kill Americans (CNN's slug for its 9/11 stories) .

STRIKE ON IRAQ": -WHEN Americans kill foreigners (CNN's slug for its 3/20 stories) .

'OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM": - AMERICAN soldiers in 20-mile long mechanized cavalry formations and pilots dropping bombs on Baghdad .

'DEAD ENDERS': - RUMMY'S colourful phrase for describing poorly armed Iraqis holding out till the end Umm Qsar and Basra .

'SHOCK AND AWE': - WHEN America attacks cities (such as Baghdad and Basra) with bombs and missiles.

'TERRORISM': - WHEN Osama bin Laden attacks cities (such as New York and Was.h.i.+ngton) with aircraft .