Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 2

"I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a rea.s.suring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. s.e.x is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Subject: FW: Nice One-Liners..!!!

> BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

> GIRL : Why not ??

> BOY : I'm broke.

> > BOY : May I hold your hand??

> GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

> > GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??

> BOY : Were you away??

> > GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

> BOY : What time was it??

> > GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

> BOY : You love me...

> > GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

> BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

> > GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..

> BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..

> > CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me?

> I was so overwhelmed,I couldn't speak for an hour..

> PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

> > 1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps > being chased by the doctor.

> 2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple??

> > GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

> BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

> > BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

> GIRL : How soon??

> > BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

> GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

> > SHARON : Have you ever had a hot pa.s.sionate, burning > kiss??

> TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the > cigarette out of his mouth.

> > Man : You remind me of the sea.

> Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

> Man : NO, because you make me sick.

> > > Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear > and comes out of the other.

> Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in > both ears and comes out of the mouth.

> > Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.

> What do u think, Peter?

> Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

> > Peter : Mom, does G.o.d use our bathroom?

> Mother : No, Peter. Why?

> Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh G.o.d, are you still there?"

> > > Customer : How much is that tie?

> Salesman : Forty dollars.

> Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that > much money.

> Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around > your neck.

> > Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?

> Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

> > Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness > and consideration to me?

> Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

> > Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I > comfortable seated.

> Lily : So what do you do?

> Sam : I close my eyes.

> > Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

> Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I > gave them last week.

> > Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

> Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

> > Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me > to the bank?

> Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

> > Man : Why should I pay you so much?

> Little boy : Because bank directors are always > highly paid.

> > It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent > mood as he questioned the prisoner.

> "What are you charged with?" he asked.

> "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the > defendant.

> "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early > were you doing this shopping?"

> "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Before & After Love.

BEFORE - You take my breath away.

AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - Twice a night.

AFTER - Twice a month.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.

AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Don't stop.

AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - We agree on everything.

AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Charming and n.o.ble.

AFTER - Chern.o.byl.