Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 3

BEFORE - Idol.

AFTER - Idle.

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.

AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.

AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still.

AFTER - This relations.h.i.+p is going nowhere.

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.

AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters.

AFTER - Fishsticks.

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.

AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Pa.s.sion.

AFTER - Ration.

BEFORE - Once upon a time.

AFTER - The end.

1. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

2. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

3. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

4. A man placed an ad in the cla.s.sifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so... Do you have a piece of gum?

IS THAT SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......

A guy from Uttar Pradesh (UP) was away from his family for about 4 years while his wife was in Jaunpur (UP). At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son...

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "happy event"

happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...The man said it is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife(good Samaritans! ) when men are away.The colleagues asked him,"What name will you give to the son?" The man explained, "If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be WIVEDI ; If it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI, If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI; If its the fifth neighbour then it would be PANDEY...

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours? "Then the boy would be named MISHRA"...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour? "Then it would be SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour ?Then the name of the child would be GUPTA"...

If she does not remember the name then? "It is YAAD-AV...

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape? "Then it will be named DOs.h.i.+"...

Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire for s.e.x? "Then he will be named JOs.h.i.+...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?.... DESHPANDEY!

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Happiness when shared is doubled. Count your blessings. "Today is a gift; that's why it is called the present."

In a recent FDA study, the United States government research physicians who were conducting studies on test drugs, administered weekly doses of v.i.a.g.r.a to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced s.e.xual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

Hey juz check when ur birthday falls and know wat kinda person ur...

JUNE 26th is my birthday for ur info amul gurl.

Your birthday......

December 23rd~ January 1st = Red January 2nd ~ January 11th = Orange January 12th ~ January 24th = Yellow January 25th ~ February 3rd = Pink February 4th ~ February 8th = Blue February 9th ~ February 18th = Green February 19th ~ February 28th = Brown March 1st ~ March 10th = Aqua March 11th ~ March 20th = Lime March 21st = Black March 22nd ~ March 31st = Purple April 1st ~ April 10th = Navy April 11th ~ April 20th = Silver April 21st ~ April 30th = White May 2st ~ May 14th = Blue May 15th ~ May 24th = Gold May 25th ~ June 3rd = Cream June 4th ~ June 13th = Grey June 14th ~ June 23rd = Maroon June 24th = Grey June 25th ~ July 4th = Red.

July 5th ~ July 14th = Orange July 15th ~ July 25th = Yellow July 26th ~ August 4th = Pink August 5th ~ August 13th = Blue August 14th ~ August 23rd = Green August 24th ~ September 2nd = Brown September 3rd ~ Septemeber 12th = Aqua September 13th ~ September 22nd = Lime September 23rd = Olive September 24th ~October 3rd = Purple October 4th ~ October 13th = Navy October 14th ~ October 23rd = Silver October 24th ~November 11th = White November 12th ~ November 21st = Gold November22nd ~ December 1st = Cream December 2nd ~ December 11th = Grey December 12th~ December 21st = Maroon Decmeber 22nd = Teal

*RED*

Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love...and liked to be loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be "moody" at times. Capable with people nice,soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel comfortable.