Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 5

The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a FAX.

Our Rights: The following was written by State Representative from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident: ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unenc.u.mbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the b.u.t.t.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like h.e.l.l. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a G.o.dd.a.m.n communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bis.e.xual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth s.h.i.+t. You are a b.u.t.thead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving b.a.s.t.a.r.ds and kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are wh.o.r.es. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Embarra.s.sed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was pa.s.sing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his p.e.n.i.s out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a s.h.i.+rt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.

The first blonde says "They're deer tracks."

The second blonde says "They're bear tracks."

The third blonde says "They're moose tracks."

Then a train hits them.

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing around at the pond. The judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to speak their piece.

The first duck comes in.

"What's your name, son?" the judge asks.

"Duck," replied the duck.

"What are you in for?" the judge asks.

"Well, I was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and the cop came by and arrested me."

The judge said "Okay, send in the next duck."

The next duck came in. His name was "Duck, Duck," and he told the exact same story as the first duck.

After his examination, the judge asked for the third duck to be sent in. The third duck's name was "Duck, Duck, Duck," and he told the same story as the first two.

Finally, the judge sent for the fourth duck.

As he came in, the judge said, "Let me guess, your name is Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck, right?"

The duck replied, "No sir, my name is Bubbles."

If you are aspiring to strike a career in the Bollywood, be it a director, script writer or even penning dialogues, this section will be very helpful to you for it contains the scenes and dialogues which every film has and you cannot afford to miss it !!

Some of the here may be rather s.e.xist, chauvinistic, supercilious, vapid, racist, tasteless, offensive and emotionally backward, but we have to be slightly sober for censors.h.i.+p reasons and cannot show Hindi films in their full crowning glory.

MUST SCENES FOR EVERY FILM.

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain , and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes / heroines will die or take off to foreign country at the end of the movie.

If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.

The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never miss run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of pots, barrels, gla.s.s bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by the brothers their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.

There will always be one song in which heroine is scantily dressed and singing in rain.