Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 13

The woman is breathing heavily in antic.i.p.ation as the stranger approaches. He removes his s.h.i.+rt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his s.h.i.+rt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Geography of a woman.

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America, fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & j.a.pan, very hot, wise beautiful Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France. She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany. she lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia, very wide, very quiet but n.o.body goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England, with a glorious past but no future.

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!"

The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled, "Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes. "Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed. "Bell #3!"..... They began pa.s.sionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!"..... The husband asked "What the h.e.l.l is this Bell #4?" "MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s.e.x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s.e.x. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute pa.s.ses, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pa.s.s, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "Ihad no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their a.s.ses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

Freshmen vs. Seniors.

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.

Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what cla.s.ses he can cut.

Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what cla.s.ses he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.

Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation cla.s.s.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."

Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to cla.s.s.

Senior: Drives to cla.s.s if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.

Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.

Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.

Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex a.n.a.lysis midterm Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night.

There was a Packers fan with a really c.r.a.ppy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She pa.s.sed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Funny Answers!!

1) Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?

Pupil: The moon.

Teacher: Why?

Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun give us light only in the day time when we dont' need it.

2) Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Pupil: A teacher.

3) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colours do you have?

4) My father is so old that when he was in school,history was called current affairs.

5) Teacher: Sam, you talk a lot.

Sam: It's a family tradition.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Sam: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.

Teacher: What about your mother?

Sam: She's a woman.

6) Tarun: How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?

Dinesh: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

7) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

Student: Brotherly love.

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.

Too bad they missed.

Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?

No, I went for that five years ago.

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

G.o.d made relatives; Thank G.o.d we can choose our friends Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts Why are you crossing here?

Cant you see a zebra crossing there The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do.

Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front ofboard which said FINE FOR PARKING.

Can you do anything that other people can*t?

Sure, I can read my handwriting.

Whom are you working for?

Same people. My wife and four kids.

I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.

Yes. Meow.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.