Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 18

You need constant stimulation because you get bored quickly. You can handle more than 1 relations.h.i.+p at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You can do 2 things at once. You are very talented.

Does your name begin with: Y .

You are sensual & very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relations.h.i.+ps which doesn't work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation. However if you can make money you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance.

Does your name begin with: Z .

You are very romantic but show feels that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate & attracting people who have unusual trouble. You see yourself as a lover's saviour.

Advise 4 u B4 Installation > > Last yr, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself > as 'FiancEe 1.0 ' . Recently, I upgraded FiancEe 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a > real memory hog. It has taken up all my s.p.a.ce and Wife 1.0 must be running before > I can do ANYTHING. It is also sp.a.w.ning Child Processes, which are further consuming > system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, > and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

Additional > plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there > is no install feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was > discussed in the brochures or doc.u.mentation, although other users have reported > similar problems. Because of these, some users that I know have decided to avoid > the headaches a.s.sociated with these upgrade, and simply move from GirlFriend > 5.0 to GirlFriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as > all traces of GirlFriend 5.0 must be remove from this system before attempting > installation of 6.0. Even then, GirlFriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks > (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) > to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it of, GirlFriend 6.0 apparently > has nag feature reminding about the advantages of Wife 1.0.

> > However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in > the upcoming GirlFriend 6.1 release: > > 1. 'Don't remind me again' b.u.t.ton.

> > 2. Minimize b.u.t.ton.

> > 3. Shut Down feature.

> > An install s.h.i.+eld feature is also included so that GirlFriend can be completely > uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache other objects).

> > Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will > be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to > them in the Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems > a.s.sociated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system - most > notable are system conflicts and continual disk thras.h.i.+ng, which starts shortly > after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer > still works fine. Finally Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before > uninstalling itself, following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming > insufficient resources. I personally find all these new tools and conflicts > to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It s...o...b..rs > and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple > to operate we get along fine.

Three Irish monks have pa.s.sed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their private and put them in a room with an attractive girl with no clothes. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods. "Good, you've pa.s.sed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

There he goes, "Ding-ding!"

IS THAT SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......

A guy from Uttar Pradesh (UP) was away from his family for about 4 years while his wife was in Jaunpur (UP). At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son...

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "happy event"

happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife(good Samaritans! ) when men are away.The colleagues asked him,"What name will you give to the son?" The man explained, "If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be DWIVEDI ; If it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI, If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI; If its the fifth neighbour then it would be PANDEY...

After listening to this, questions followed. What if it is a mixture of neighbours? "Then the boy would be named MISHRA"... And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour? "Then it would be SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour ?

Then the name of the child would be GUPTA"... If she does not remember the name then? "It is YAAD-AV... But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape? "Then it will be named DOs.h.i.+"... Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire for s.e.x? "Then he will be named JOs.h.i.+...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....

DESHPANDEY !!!

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Happiness when shared is doubled. Count your blessings. "Today is a gift; that's why it is called the present."

Jesus and Moses go golfing. They come to a 475 yard, par 4. After teeing off, Jesus is about 200 yards away, with a water hazzard in front. Jesus says, Let me use the 5 iron. Moses says, I think you should use the 7 iron. Jesus says, If Tiger Woods can do it with a 5 iron-and I watched him do it last week- I can do it So he hits the ball...right into the water. Moses walks over, parts the water, picks up the ball, closes the water, and places the ball back where it was. Moses says, I think the 7-. Jesus interupts, If Tiger can do it, I can. Once again, the ball falls right into the water. Jesus says, I'll get it this time. As He is standing on the water, reaching into the water to find His ball, two other guys walk up and gasp at the site. One says, Who does He think He is, Jesus Christ? Moses turns and says, No, Tiger Woods.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: 'This bull mated 50 times last year.'

The wife turns to her husband and says, 'He mated 50 times in a year,you could learn from him.'

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: 'This bull mated 65 times last year.'

The wife turns to her husband and says, 'This one mated 65 times lastyear.

That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.'

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: 'This bull mated 365 times last year.'

The wife's mouth drops open and says, 'WOW! He mated 365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.'

The man turns to his wife and says, 'Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow.'

Why nov-14th is children's day ?

Ans: because it is exactly after 9 months of valentine's day.

A couple who had been married for ten years sees a young couple on a park-bench kissing each other pa.s.sionately.The wife gets romantic & asks her husband,'Why don't you do that ? '

The husband replies blankly , 'Honey, I don't even know that girl.'

Mathematics of s.e.x 1. Add her on the bed 2. Subtract her clothes 3. Divide her legs 4. Start multyplying...

Boy to his friend : I kept sending my girlfriend a love letter everyday for 3 years !

Friend : Then what happenned ?

Boy : She married the postman !

Once three men, an American, an Indian and an Arab, were chatting together.

The American said: 'I have ten sons. I can easily make two teams and play basketball.'

To this the Indian said: 'I have 22 kids and I can easily play cricket with them.'

After a lot of thought, the Arab said: 'I don't know about kids, but i have 17 wives. I need to marry one more and then I can play golf.'

Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had pa.s.sed.

At this point, one of the other three said, 'You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen.'

And the guy answers, 'Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!'

A man asked his manager for an afternoon off to go see his dentist.

'Sure the boss said.' The next day the man came in and the boss scolded him.

'I thought you were going to see the dentist,' the boss says.

'That's right.'

'Then why did I see you on the sports highlights at the cricket game with a friend?'

'That was my dentist.'

TEACHER: Why are you late?

Johnny: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher : "h.e.l.lo boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."

Johnny: One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpastes and put back it into the tube again."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?

Johnny: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: George can you count up to 5?

Johnny:counts up to 5 slowly using his Fingers.

TEACHER: Good, now can you count any higher?

Johnny:climbs up on his chair and counts five again using his fingers.

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

Johnny:"K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong Johnny:Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!