Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 27

A 20-stone man went to the doctor's complaining of a bad chest. The doctor examined him with his stethoscope and then asked the man to strip off completely.

"Would you mind getting down on all fours and crawling over to the window for me, please?" he asked.

The man did as he was requested.

"Good, good," murmured the doctor.

"Now would you mind crawling over to the wall on your right. That's it, just between the chair and the filing cabinet."

The doctor scratched his head thoughtfully. "Thank you very much, Mr White, you may get dressed now."

Once he'd put his clothes back on, the man asked the doctor for his verdict.

"Oh you're quite right, you've got a bad chest so I'll give you a prescription for some antibiotics."

"But doctor, how did crawling around the room help your diagnosis?"

"Oh it didn't," replied the doctor, "but I'm having a pale pink settee delivered next week and I was just interested to know where the best place to put it might be."

"It's no good, Mabel, I can't find anything wrong with you, it must be the effects of drinking," said the doctor.

"Well, in that case I'll come back when you're sober!"

exclaimed the woman.

A very obese man went to the doctor's and was told he would have to lose at least 7 stone.

"It's no good," wailed the man. "I've tried all sorts of diets and they never work."

"Well, this one is different," said the doctor. "You will take nothing by mouth, everything you eat will be through your r.e.c.t.u.m."

A month went by and the man went back to the doctors looking very happy.

"Well done, you've lost nearly 4 stone, carry on like this and you'll soon be down to the correct weight. Do you have any problems?"

"None at all," said the man. "I'll see you in a month's time."

As the man walked to the door, the doctor noticed that he was walking in an odd way.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" asked the doctor.

"You seem to be walking in a curious way."

"No, everything's fine, doc," said the man. "I'm just chewing some bubble gum."

"Doctor, doctor, I'm so embarra.s.sed, I've got several holes in my w.i.l.l.y and when I go for a pee it sprinkles out all over me and over anyone standing close by. Please say you can do something."

The doctor considered the man for a few minutes and then wrote something down on a card.

"Here," he said, "take this card, on it is the name of a man who can help you."

"Oh thanks, doc, will he be able to cure me?"

"No, but he's one of the country's finest flute players and he'll show you how to hold it properly."

At first Johnny was embarra.s.sed to find a lady doctor waiting for him in the surgery. She asked him to strip and then began examining him. As she put her soft, gentle hands on his body she said, "Say 99 please."

Johnny smiled and then as slowly as he could began 1... 2...

3...

A man suffering from constipation was given a course of suppositories by his GP. But a week later he was back complaining they hadn't worked.

"Are you sure you've been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.

"Of course I b.l.o.o.d.y well have," he answered angrily. "What do you think I've been doing, sticking them up my a.r.s.e?"

"Oh doctor, doctor," said the embarra.s.sed woman. "I think I suffer from being s.e.xually perverted."

"Can you tell me about it?" asked the doctor kindly. "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

"I can't possibly," she replied, blus.h.i.+ng madly. "It's too awful."

After a few minutes of gentle persuasion the doctor eventually said, "You know, many people have strange perversions, even I do. So if you show me yours, then I'll show you mine."

"Well..." she stammered. "I like my bottom to be kissed."

"Oh goodness, that's not much," said the doctor. "Pop round behind the screen and then I'll show you mine."

A couple of minutes later, the doctor called her round and he's sitting there looking very smug.

"I thought you were going to show me your perversion," she whined.

"Of course, look, I've shat in your handbag."

A very worried woman went to the doctor's to complain about the male hormone she was having to take.

"Oh doctor, I'm growing hair in all sorts of places."

"Don't worry, that's not unusual in a case like this. Where in particular is the hair?"

"On my b.a.l.l.s," she replied.

There are only two men in the doctor's waiting room. One has his arm bandaged up and the second is covered in food - potatoes in his hair, a lamb chop sticking out of his pocket, gravy running down his trousers and peas up his nose. The second man turns to the first and asks him what happened.

"Oh it's my own fault," he replies. "I was looking at this beautiful girl instead of watching where I was going. I tripped over a step and I think I might have broken my arm.

What about you?"

"Oh it's nothing much, I'm just not eating properly."

A man went to the doctor's feeling run down.

"What you need is a holiday," said the doctor. "You need to get away from the routine, could you go abroad?"

"I sure could," replied the man. "What's she like?"

A woman took her son down to the doctor's surgery.

"Doctor, tell me please, can a boy of 13 take out his own appendix?" she demanded.

"Indeed not," said the doctor.

"There you are, I told you so," she yelled at her son, "now put it back immediately."

A couple went to the doctor's and asked him if he minded watching them have s.e.xual intercourse. The doctor was used to odd requests so he agreed and after it was over he charged them 35. The following week they returned and asked him again. He a.s.sured them that there was nothing wrong with their technique, but they were so insistent that he relented.

Again, he charged them 35.

However, when they came back a third time, the doctor became very suspicious.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"You're doing us a big favour, doc," they said. "I'm married, my girlfriend lives with her mum, and the hotels are very expensive. If we come here it only costs us 35 and I can claim it back on my private health insurance."

A married couple went along to the doctor's because their love life was very unsatisfactory. The doctor began by asking, "Mr Jones, do you shrink from lovemaking?"

"No," he replied. "I've always been this small."

A woman goes to a sleazy back street doctor complaining that she doesn't feel very well. Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he's so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.

"Don't worry, this is quite normal," he simpers. "I expect you know what I'm doing?"

"I suppose you're checking for anything unusual," she replies.

"That's right," he responds, and then quick as a flash he strips off, lays on top of her and starts making love.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she replies. "You're getting herpes. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier."

The doctor was so excited. "This is absolutely amazing. You will become a celebrity and I will be interviewed in every medical journal around the world. You realise, Mr Lester, that you're the first man ever to become pregnant."

But the man did not share the doctor's joy.

"Oh dear, what shall I do? I'm not married. What will my parents think? How will the neighbours react?"

"It's no good, Mr Weeks, you'll have to go on a healthier diet. Try eating more fruit," said the doctor.

"But doctor, I do have a lot of fruit. Why! I have two slices of lemon in every gin and tonic."

A woman went to the doctor's with her son because she was concerned that his p.e.n.i.s was too small and not growing normally.

"Nothing to worry about," replied the doctor. "Every night, before he goes to bed, give him a cup of hot milk and put in a teaspoon of this special B16 powder. That'll soon put things right."

A few evenings later, the little boy walked into the kitchen to find his mum putting three tablespoons of the powder into a mug of hot milk. "But Mum," said the boy, "the doctor only said a teaspoon."

"Oh this is not for you," she replied, "this is for your father."

"Doctor," asked the young pregnant woman. "My baby's due any day, can you recommend the best position for delivering it?"

"Well, Mrs Goodly, the position most women choose is exactly the same position as when they conceived."

"Oh no! For me that's the 10.50 train from Paddington to Penzance."