Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 28

"Doctor, help me please, I can hardly walk, my backside's killing me!"

"Mmm, bend over and we'll see what's wrong," replied the doctor.

"Aah, I can see the problem, you've got a bunch of flowers stuck up there."

"Thank goodness for that," smiled the man. "Is there a message with them?"

The doctor examined the wife's husband thoroughly before he turned to her and said, "I'm sorry, I don't like the look of your husband."

"Neither do I," she replied, "but at least he's useful around the house."

"Doctor, doctor, please help me," begged the man. "I can't satisfy my wife, I think my p.e.n.i.s is too small."

The doctor replied, "I think we can do something about that.

Do you drink cider?"

"Yes."

"Mmm, cider tends to keep it small. What you need to drink are bottles of stout. Try that for a month and then come back and see me."

A month later, the man returned to the surgery looking very happy.

"Aah, I can see it worked, you're drinking the stout."

"It's worked alright, the s.e.x is great now," replied the man.

"But I don't drink the stout, I give it to the wife."

A man goes to the surgery feeling sick, but the doctor is unable to diagnose what's wrong with him, so he takes some blood tests and tells him to return the following week.

However, he's too ill to leave the house so his wife goes along to get the results.

"Oh dear, oh dear," says the doctor, shaking his head, "it seems I have two patients by the name of Jack Brown, they've both had blood tests this week and the tests have been muddled up. It means your husband either has VD or Alzheimer's disease."

The poor wife is very distressed.

"What shall I do?" she asks.

"Don't worry, it's quite simple," replies the doctor. "Take your husband on a long journey, go by bus and train, then leave him there and see if he can find his way home. If he does get home alright, then don't let him f.u.c.k you."

A very small woman went to the doctor's complaining that her p.u.s.s.y hurt. After a thorough examination, the doctor looked puzzled.

"Does it hurt all the time?" he asked.

"Oh no, just when it's raining."

"Okay, well, next time it's wet, come and see me."

A few days later the woman turned up at the surgery and the doctor examined her again.

"Ah ha, now I see what the matter is. Nurse, hand me my scissors please."

After a couple of minutes, the little woman stood up, overjoyed that the pain had gone."

"What caused it?" she asked.

He replied, "Your wellingtons were too high. Once I'd trimmed an inch off all round, the problem was solved."

As the woman walked into the surgery, the doctor greeted her. "h.e.l.lo, Mrs Smith, would you mind going over to the window and sticking your tongue out?"

"Why?"

"Because I can't stand the person living opposite."

"Every time I sneeze, I have an o.r.g.a.s.m," said the girl to her doctor.

"What do you take for it?" he asked.

"Pepper."

"Doctor, doctor, please help me, I can't stop farting. The only good thing is, they don't smell."

"Okay," said the doctor, opening the window," it will mean a small operation."

"What! Will it be painful?"

"No, no, just an operation on your nose. Once we've cured that, we'll see to the other problem."

A man is suffering very badly from severe headaches, dizziness and spots before the eyes.

"I'm sorry to say," said the doctor, "that you have got an infection in your t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es and unless you have them removed, the symptoms will spread."

Unwilling to accept this dreadful diagnosis, the man consults two other doctors but they both give the same opinion. So resigned to his fate, the man has both t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es removed.

Some days later, in an effort to cheer himself up, he decides to go shopping. He visits the most exclusive gentlemen's outfitters for miles around.

"Ah yes," says the tailor. "You're a 34 inch waist, 32 inch inside leg and 15?" collar size."

"That's very impressive" says the man. "How can you be so accurate?"

"Years of training, Sir," replies the tailor. "I also know that you are a 40 inch chest, take size 11 inch in shoes and wear medium sized underpants."

"Absolutely correct," says the man, "except for the underpants. I take a small size."

"Then may I suggest you change the size, Sir, otherwise you'll eventually start to suffer from severe headaches, dizziness and spots before the eyes."

A woman goes to the doctor complaining that two green marks have appeared on the inside of her thighs.

"Mmm," says the doctor, puzzled, "now what can that be..."

He thinks for a while and then a smile crosses his face. "You don't happen to go out with a gypsy, do you?" he asks.

"Why, yes, I do."

"Well, that's the answer. Tell your boyfriend that his earrings are not real gold!"

"Doctor, doctor, I think I may be impotent. When I try and make love to my wife nothing happens."

The doctor thinks for a moment and then says, "Make an appointment for both you and your wife to come to the surgery and I'll see what I can do."

So the following week they both turn up at the surgery. The doctor takes the wife into another room and asks her to undress. Then he asks her to walk up and down, twirl around and jump in the air.

"Thank you very much, Mrs Smith, you can get dressed now."

The doctor goes back into the other room and takes the husband to one side.

"Don't worry, Mr Smith, there's nothing wrong with you, your wife doesn't give me a hard-on either."

The beautiful curvaceous blonde patient was whispering frantically. "Oh please kiss me again, please kiss me again."

"I don't know," replied the doctor, "it's not right, I really shouldn't be f.u.c.king you at all."

The world-famous doctor was at his wit's end. Never before had he been unable to find out what was wrong with a patient, but this man had him beaten. On five separate occasions, the doctor had examined him but could find nothing wrong.

There was only one thing to do. The next time the man came in he told him to urinate into a bowl. So the patient did as he was ordered. Then the doctor told him to s.h.i.+t into the same bowl, which the patient also did. Stirring the foul mixture together, the doctor made the man swallow a large jug full of the stuff and the man immediately vomited all over the floor. "Ah ah" shouted the doctor triumphantly. "Now I know what's wrong, you have an upset stomach."

A girl goes to the doctor's complaining of a strange mark on her chest. When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

"How did you get this?" he enquires.

"It's my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to - Cambridge. And when we make love, it presses into me."

"Okay, well use this cream twice a day and it'll soon go away,"

says the doctor.

The next day, another girl visits the surgery. She's complaining of a strange mark on her chest which is like the letter O.

"My boyfriend wears a silver O round his neck representing Oxford University and when we have s.e.x, the weight of his body leaves a mark" she explains.

"I know just what you need," says the doctor, and he gives her some cream. On the third day, another girl comes in to see him. This one has the imprint of an M on her chest.

"I know what that is," says the doctor confidently. "I bet your boyfriend goes to Manchester University."

"Oh no," she replies, "but I do have a girlfriend at Wolverhampton Tech."

"Doctor, doctor," said the simple old woman, "I must have a hysterectomy, I really must."

"But why?" asked the puzzled doctor.

"Because I've twenty grandchildren already and I don't want any more!"

The old man hobbled into the doctor's surgery and pleaded, "Doctor, please help me, you've got to give me something to lower my s.e.x drive."

"Come on now, Mr Bates," replied the doctor, looking at the doddering old man. "Your s.e.x drive is all in the head."

"That's what I mean. I need something to lower it."

"Doctor, doctor, is it alright to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e?" asked the concerned man.

"Everything in moderation," replied the doctor.

"Is four times a day alright?"