Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 29

"Well, that's quite a lot, why don't you get married, that's a much better idea."

"I am married."

"And is everything fine in bed?"

"It's great."

"Then why do you need to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e so much?"

"She's such a spoil-sport. She doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."

"A man goes into the doctor's and says. "Every time I look in the mirror, I see myself as old and haggard."

"Well at least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight,"

replies the doctor.

DOWN IN THE MOUTH.

A woman walked into the dentist very nervously and said, "I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth checked."

"Okay," said the dentist, "if that's what you want, then I'll have to adjust the chair."

A man went to the dentist with a raging toothache.

"It'll have to come out immediately," said the dentist, taking hold of his drill.

The patient grabbed hold of the dentist's b.a.l.l.s and replied, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?"

It was the annual conference for dentists and dental companies and one of the awards went to Matthew Slick for best salesman of the year. He had sold a record quant.i.ty of White's dental mouthwash. Some time later, after he'd been presented with his award, a colleague asked him for the secret of his success.

"Oh it's quite simple really," said Matthew. "For the past six months I've been setting up a mobile stall at the major London railway stations during their busy rush-hour periods.

The stall has been giving away free samples of a new meat paste. When people ask me what it contains, I tell them it has venison, herbs and bull droppings. As they start to spit it out, that's when I ask them if they'd like to buy a bottle of White's dental mouthwash."

HOSPITAL HABITS.

It was Monday morning and the great but absent-minded rectal surgeon was on his rounds. Halfway round the ward the nurse nudged him and whispered in his ear.

"Sir, you have a suppository behind your left ear."

"Oh d.a.m.n," cursed the surgeon, "that means some b.u.m's got my pencil."

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying naked in a hospital bed with just a sheet covering her. Suddenly a young man came in, pulled back the sheet and examined her closely.

"What's the verdict?" she asked.

He replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask the doctor that, I'm only the window cleaner."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the hospital, "but your wife has suffered severe facial injuries and is in need of some plastic surgery. It will cost 3,000 and we will need to take some skin off your backside."

"No problem," replied the husband, so the operation went ahead and was a great success.

A couple of weeks later, the man received a telephone call from the plastic surgeon.

"You've given me 500 too much," he said.

"Oh no," he replied, "the extra is for the immense pleasure I get out of seeing my mother-in-law kiss my a.r.s.e."

"Your new hand has taken perfectly," said the doctor, "everything's connected up well, so what's the problem?"

"Well, doc, it's not a problem most of the time, but you gave me a female hand and every time I go for a p.i.s.s, it won't let go."

Two nurses enjoy a good night out but return to the nurses'

home after the doors have been locked. They decide to climb up the drainpipe and crawl through an open window.

Half-way up, one nurse turns to the other giggling and says, "Doing this makes me feel like a burglar."

"Same here" replied her friend, "but where will we find two burglars at this time of night?"

"Oh Carol, you'll never guess what I've just seen," said the plain nurse to the pretty nurse. "The man in cubicle 7 has 'NOON' tattooed on his w.i.l.l.y."

"Oh no," replied Carol, "it's not NOON, its Northampton."

One of the fielders got hit in the crotch by a cricket ball, the pain was so severe he collapsed unconscious on the ground and woke up in hospital.

"Hey doc," he croaked, "am I alright? Will I be able to play again?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, you'll be able to play again... that's if you've got a women's team at the club."

A man went to the doctor's with a bad wrist and after a quick examination, he was transferred to the accident and emergency unit at the local hospital. Immediately on getting there, the nurse asked him for a urine sample which he thought was a very odd thing to ask for, considering it was his wrist that hurt. However, nurse insisted, so he did as she wished. Fifteen minutes later, he was ushered in to see the doctor who told him he had dislocated his wrist.

"Don't tell me you learnt that from the urine sample,"

laughed the man.

"Oh yes we did," insisted the doctor, "there have been such great developments in medicine and we now have a fool- proof way of diagnosing many complaints just by taking a urine sample."

After the man was patched up, he left for home. An appointment was made to see him in six weeks' time, when he had to bring along another sample. On the day of the next visit, the man decided to test just how good the new method was so he peed in the jar, got his wife and daughter to do the same, as well as the cat, and also w.a.n.ked into it.

This time, the a.n.a.lysis took much longer, but eventually he got in to see the doctor.

"Well? What's the verdict?" he asked.

The doctor looked at him very seriously and replied, "Your wrist is much better, but your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, the cat has fleas and if you continue w.a.n.king, your wrist will worsen."

Did you hear about the gay ENT surgeon?

He was known as the Queer nose and throat specialist!

A man visited a plastic surgeon with a badly damaged p.e.n.i.s.

"What happened to you?" asked the surgeon.

"It's like this," said the man, blus.h.i.+ng madly. "I live on a caravan park next to this beautiful lady. And she really does turn me on. Each night, I watch her take a sausage from the fridge, stick it in a hole in the caravan floor and then she sits on it and does the business."

"So how did you get involved?" asked the surgeon.

"Well doc, I thought a long time about this and decided it was such a waste. So one night, I crawled under the caravan, took the sausage away and subst.i.tuted my d.i.c.k."

"So what happened?"

"Everything was going fine until there was a knock at her door. She jumped up and tried to kick the sausage under the table!"

A man had his p.e.n.i.s cut off in a gruesome industrial accident but he was fortunate enough to qualify for a p.e.n.i.s transplant. After the operation had been carried out and the man had come round from the anaesthetic, he asked the surgeon how it went.

"Well, there's good news and bad news," replied the surgeon. "The good news is that the operation was a complete success and you are now the proud owner of an exceptionally good member. But the bad news is that your hand has rejected it."

ON THE MOVE.

"I hope you don't mind me asking," said the young American girl to the Scotsman, "but I've often wondered what you wear under your kilt."

The Scotsman replied that if she was really curious to know, then she could put her hand up his kilt and find out for herself.

So, a little apprehensively, she did as he suggested and put her hand under his kilt.

"Aaagh, it's gruesome," she screamed, quickly removing her hand.

"Aye, it is that, la.s.s," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand up again, you'll find it's gruesome more."

The hotel was holding a prestigious convention. After the first day of meetings, people were going back to their rooms to freshen up for dinner. The lifts were packed solid.

"Which floors please?" called out the attendant.

A voice from the back shouted "Ballroom" and a woman just in front of him replied, "Do forgive me, I didn't know I was crus.h.i.+ng you that much!"

The plane's engines are failing and the pilot informs the pa.s.sengers that the situation is very serious, their only hope is finding a place good enough to try a crash landing.

Most of the pa.s.sengers turn to the alcohol trolley, determined to get so p.i.s.sed they won't feel the pain, but one man alone asks the black stewardess if he can sleep with her.

At first she's outraged, but then decides that making love is as good a way as any of spending her last few minutes alive.

So they retire to the back of the plane and get down to it.