Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 30

After a moment or so, she asks him why he chose her instead of getting drunk like the rest of them.

"Well, I've always been told that the only part of the plane which survives a crash is the black box, so I reckoned I'd be in it when the plane went down."

The big game hunter, out on safari, came across a naked woman stretched out on the ground.

He said, "Excuse me, Miss, are you game?"

"I sure am," she said.

So he shot her.

A businessman books into a country hotel, asks for breakfast at 8.30 and requests a girl to come to his room after dinner that night. "That's outrageous!" says the wife. "What sort of hotel does he think we are running? Go and tell him, Fred."

But her husband thinks it's a lot of fuss about nothing and tells her so.

"Okay, if you won't go, then I will", and she disappears up to his room.

Some time later, the man appears in the bar for a nightcap and seeing the husband, he comments, "My goodness, that was quite a woman you sent up. I like the hard-to-get type, it's more fun, particularly in the end when they surrender."

Staying overnight at a prestigious hotel, the couple were disturbed by the dreadful noise coming from downstairs.

The man was soon on the phone to reception.

"What's all this noise about, I've spent a lot of money coming here and I don't expect to be kept awake all night by that racket."

"I'm very sorry, Sir," said the receptionist, "they're holding the Policeman's Ball."

"Well, tell them to leave the b.u.g.g.e.r alone, so we can get some sleep."

A vicar booked into an hotel for the night on his way back from a convention. After supper, he got talking to the woman behind the bar, called Maisie, and invited her up to his room when she'd finished work.

At one o'clock, there was a knock on his door and she walked in carrying a bottle of champagne. By the time it was half empty, they were in bed enjoying themselves. Suddenly, she turned to him and said, "I'm not sure this is right, you being a man of the cloth."

"No need to worry," he replied. "I read about it in this Gideon Bible here."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, on the inside front cover it says, 'If you want a good f.u.c.k, ask Maisie in the bar.' "

A seaman is given 10 days' sh.o.r.e leave in Thailand and every night he hits the high spots - drinking and whoring non-stop.

However, towards the end of his leave he realises there's something wrong with him so he goes to see a European doctor.

"I'm afraid you have picked up a new and virulent s.e.xual disease. It means you will have to have your p.e.n.i.s surgically removed."

Horrified, the man goes to see another European doctor but the diagnosis is the same.

Walking slowly back to his s.h.i.+p, he loses his way down the many back alleys and discovers the premises of an old Thai doctor. Desperate for better news, he goes in and is examined thoroughly.

"You do not need to have your p.e.n.i.s surgically removed,"

says the doctor "that is just a way for these foreigners to make more money."

Overjoyed, the man replies, "Then everything is going to be alright?"

"Oh no," says the doctor. "I mean your p.e.n.i.s will just drop off on its own in a few days' time."

A professor and a young girl find themselves travelling in the same railway carriage as they race through England's green and pleasant land. The girl starts to get aroused when she notices all the animals in the fields are humping each other and she asks the professor how they become attracted.

"That's very simple, my dear," replies the professor, "the female gives off a s.e.xual odour which tells the male that she is interested."

The professor goes back to reading his book and they soon arrive at their destination.

"I hope we meet again one day," he says as they part company.

"Only if you get your sense of smell back," she retorts.

Three hunters out on safari were caught by a tribe of ferocious indians.

"You will all die," said the chief, "but you will die in a manner reflecting what you were on earth. What did you do?" he asked the first hunter.

"I was a surgeon," he replied.

"OK, you will die by having your p.e.n.i.s amputated."

He turned to the second man and asked him the same question.

"I was a fireman."

"OK, you will die by having your p.e.n.i.s burnt off."

"And you?" said the chief to the third hunter.

"Oh, I was a lollipop man," replied the man, smiling.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're only 20 minutes from landing, I hope you've enjoyed the flight and in a few moments I'll ask you to fasten your seat belts," said the pilot.

However, he forgot to turn the microphone off and the pa.s.sengers then heard him turn to his co-pilot and say, "Well, Jack, I can't wait to get down. I shall finish up the paperwork and then take that gorgeous new air stewardess back to my place for a good s.h.a.gging."

Hearing this, the poor air stewardess blushed madly and rushed up the aisle to warn him, but on the way, she tripped over a bag and fell sprawling on the floor. An old lady sitting next to the aisle, bent down and whispered to her.

"It's all right, dear, you've got plenty of time. He's got to finish his paperwork first."

A tough looking cowboy stormed into the saloon, guns swinging from both hips, and bellowed, "Whoever pinched my horse, the f.u.c.king b.a.s.t.a.r.d better have it back here in 5 minutes or I'll be forced to do what I did in Denver."

He sat down, had a drink and after 5 minutes went to the saloon doors and sure enough, the horse had been returned.

As the man was about to leave, the barman beckoned him over.

"Before you go, what did happen in Denver?"

"I had to walk," he replied.

A taxi driver was taking an attractive girl home when his cab failed. He got out to see what the trouble was and shortly afterwards the girl got out too and peered over his shoulder.

"Do you want a screwdriver?" she asked.

"Don't mind if I do," he replied. "Just a moment while I close the bonnet."

I'm sorry, Sir, all our en-suite rooms are taken. Do you mind sharing a bath with another of the male guests?" said the hotel receptionist to the simple man.

"Not at all," he replied, "as long as he keeps to his end of the bath."

A man was driving along in a remote part of Scotland when he was flagged down by a really ugly looking woman. She called to him, "Come and make love to me or drive on to success."

It wasn't difficult decision and the man carried on.

Sometime later he was flagged down by another woman, slightly better than the first, and she called out to him, "Come and make love to me or drive on to success."

The man continued on and over the next 20 miles he was flagged down by 4 different women, each one better than the one before. The fourth woman was the most attractive he'd ever seen but when she cried, "Let's make love now or you can drive on to success" he reluctantly pa.s.sed her by in antic.i.p.ation of the more beautiful girl he would meet next.

However, as he came round a sharp bend in the road he was brought to a stop by a huge ape-like looking man who was so dirty and smelly it was impossible to get near him.

"Who are you?" asked the man.

"Oh I'm Cess," he replied, winking.

A middle-aged man and a woman with a baby found themselves travelling in the same railway carriage.

"What a bonny baby," commented the man.

"Thank you," replied the woman. "She's very special to me because I waited for over 10 years of marriage before she came along."

"Well, your patience has been rewarded," he said. "A bit like me really. I breed racing pigeons but it took me more than 15 years before I started producing champions."

"Why's that?" asked the woman.

"Oh, I finally changed the c.o.c.k."

"Really! That's what I did," she replied.

It is the highlight of the holiday. The small group of tourists are off on safari which is to last two days. After travelling many miles the first day, they make camp in a small clearing, have some supper and retire to their tents. However, in the middle of the night a gorilla wanders into the camp and walks into a tent where a young, shy girl is sleeping. Before she knows what is happening he's picked her up and given her a good rogering before disappearing as quickly as he came. The sound of her cries alert the rest of the party and when she tells them what has happened, they immediately take her to hospital, where she spends a week in a state of shock. A little while later, the leader of the safari comes to see her to find out how she's coping.

"It's awful," she replies tearfully. "I've heard nothing from him, no phone call, no letter, nothing."

A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling into his pint of beer. Eventually the barman was so curious he came over to ask what was so funny.

"It's my wife," laughed the man. "She's gone off to Spain for a holiday but she really is so thick. I watched her pack her suitcase and she put in 5 packets of condoms! And she doesn't even have a w.i.l.l.y."

It's been 3 months since the sailor was stranded alone on the desert island. Then without warning he sees a barrel floating to sh.o.r.e, carrying a gorgeous naked lady.

"I bet I can guess what you want," she says, smiling.

"Oh no," he gasps happily, "don't tell me you've got rum in that barrel."

The taxi was travelling at over 90 mph through the middle of the town when the male pa.s.senger tapped the driver on the shoulder.

"Heh, what's all the rus.h.i.+ng for? Slow down a bit."

"Sorry, mate, I thought I heard someone shout 'faster, faster',", said the taxi driver.

"Well, you heard right, but she wasn't talking to you!" came the reply.