Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 31

Three blokes landed up at their ski resort a day early and discovered their rooms would not be ready until the following day. The only accommodation available that night was one room with a large king sized bed. The three men decided they could put up with sharing a bed for one night so they booked in. The next morning the man on the far left said, "I had such a strange night, I dreamt I was w.a.n.king like mad all night, yet it seemed to be happening without me using my hands."

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," said the man on the far right, I had exactly the same dream, that's really weird. How about you, Johnny? Did you also have that dream?"

"No, mate," replied Johnny, "I just dreamt I was skiing all night!"

A dedicated professor of music decided to go deep into the African jungle to test his theory that wild animals could be tamed by playing them beautiful music. Sure enough, his theory proved to be true. As he began playing a beautiful piece of cla.s.sical music on his violin, he soon had an appreciative audience - two giraffes, three snakes, four zebras and a host of monkeys. All of a sudden, a lion roared into the middle of them and bit off the professor's head.

"Why did you do that?" complained the other animals. "That was beautiful music and you've gone and spoilt it."

The lion put a paw to his ear and said "What?"

During his holiday in Germany, the man met a high-cla.s.s prost.i.tute, they had a few drinks and then went back to her place where s.e.x was performed all over the house and in every position possible. The next morning he thanked her profusely for such good German hospitality and headed for the door.

"Just a moment," she said. "What about the marks?"

"Oh right," he said. "I'd give it nine out of 10."

Two men are sitting opposite each other in a railway compartment. The younger of the two asks his companion if he has the time. There is no answer. Again and again he asks but gets no reply. Eventually the man taps him on the knee and shouts, "Do you have the time please?"

"Yes, it's half past three," replies the older man.

"Thank you, but why did you take so long to answer?"

"Well, it's like this. Once I'd told you the time, we'd get talking, become friends, find we had something in common ... then I'd invite you to visit us, you'd meet our beautiful daughter, fall in love with her and want to get married. And to be honest with you, I don't want to have son-in-law who hasn't even got a watch."

An old, smelly drunken man gets on a bus and sits down next to a very refined middle-aged woman. She turns to him and says contemptuously, "My man, you are going straight to h.e.l.l."

He jumps up immediately and shouts to the conductor, "f.u.c.k me, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A blind man stood at the edge of the pavement, waiting to cross the road, when his guide dog weed all down the side of his leg.

The man immediately took a biscuit from his pocket and gave it to the dog. An onlooker turned to him and said, "That's very good of you, considering he just soaked your leg."

"Not really," replied the blind man. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is so that I can kick him in the b.a.l.l.s."

A group of tourists were on a coach trip through California when the guide's voice came over the microphone.

"If you look to your left you'll see we're just pa.s.sing the most famous wh.o.r.ehouse in the West."

"But why?" replied one of the sightseers.

How can you tell if a motorcyclist is happy?

By seeing all the insects on his teeth.

On a walking holiday over Dartmoor, a man comes across a naked youth tied to a tree.

"Oh thank goodness you've found me," exclaims the youth.

"I was out for a day's walk when I got attacked by two b.a.s.t.a.r.ds who robbed me of everything I had, and even took my clothes. It's been a b.l.o.o.d.y nightmare."

The walker looked at the boy and smiled.

"It's just not your day, is it, son?" he said, unbuckling his trousers.

Three men get captured in the jungle by cannibals and are taken back to the big Chief who immediately gets out his p.e.n.i.s and tells them that if their 3 p.e.n.i.ses together can match his, then they will be set free. Now the cannibal chief has a 22 inch donger so the first man gets his out and it measures 11 inches. The second man reveals his and it's 9 inches. Only another 2 inches are needed so the men are feeling quietly confident when the third man drops his trousers and produces a pathetic example of manhood.

However, it just makes 2 inches so the men are set free. Later on, back at camp, the first man says to his companions, "It's a good thing mine was 11 inches."

"It's lucky mine was 9 inches," says the second.

"And it's a b.l.o.o.d.y good thing I had an erection," answers the third.

A plane crashes in deepest, darkest Africa and there are only five survivors - four men and one woman. It soon becomes obvious that they will never be rescued so they decide to start a small community and make the most of what they have. All goes well for a while except that they all get s.e.xually frustrated and eventually come to an agreement that the woman will spend one week with each man in turn. As it happens, this works very well until three years later the woman falls sick and dies. It turns out to be disastrous for the men. The first week proves difficult, the second awful, the third horrifying and the fourth so impossible that at the beginning of the fifth week, they bury her.

A woman gets onto the train and finds herself sitting opposite a very handsome, s.e.xy man. She smiles at him but gets no reaction. Surprised, she undoes the two top b.u.t.tons of her blouse revealing more than a little cleavage, hitches up her skirt to show a good deal of thigh but still there is no reaction. By this time, feeling very angry and frustrated, she drops her knickers and straddles his face.

"Aah," smiles the man, "I may be blind but the smell tells me I've arrived at my stop - this must be Grimsby."

Jack was in Paris attending a conference on cabinet making.

After the session was finished he decided to have a coffee in one of the many pavement cafes along the Champs-elysees.

He hadn't been there long when a beautiful girl walked by, smiled at him and sat down opposite. Unfortunately she could not speak any English at all, so he took a pen and paper from his briefcase and drew a cup of coffee followed by a question mark. She nodded and he ordered another cup. Later he drew a taxi and again she nodded so they were soon sitting in a cab touring the Left Bank and the sights of Paris. Towards evening he drew a table with wine and food and it wasn't long before they were enjoying a beautiful meal in one of the finest Parisian restaurants. As the meal came to an end, the girl took the pen from Jack and drew a four- poster bed.

"Why, that's amazing," he said. "How on earth did you know I was in the furniture business?"

The train was very crowded as the woman travelled home from work but as she peered through the ma.s.s of people she was sure she could see her husband. Pus.h.i.+ng her way through the crowds she came up behind him and gave him a lip-smacking kiss on the back of his neck. To her dismay, when he turned round she realised it wasn't her husband.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she gasped, feeling shocked and confused, "it's just that your head looks like my husband's behind."

It's the 7.55 service from Paddington to Plymouth and a man finds himself sat across the aisle from a beautiful woman.

She is reading a large book and as he looks closer at it he realises it's a book on s.e.xual statistics.

"That looks an interesting book," he remarks.

She smiles at him and says, "Yes indeed. There are some fascinating facts here. For instance, it says that on average an Italian has the longest p.e.n.i.s and a German has the biggest in diameter. By the way, my name's Sharon, what's yours?"

"Hans Ravellini."

Two parachutists are getting ready to jump and one of them can't help but notice that his companion is wearing dark gla.s.ses and holding the lead of a guide dog.

He speaks "May I just say that you have enormous courage to jump when you are blind. I have nothing but the greatest admiration for you. By the way, how do you know when you're near the ground?"

The other replied. "When the lead goes slack."

A Russian couple are walking along the road when a car full of tourists pulls up beside them.

"Excuse me, do you speak English?" asks one of the pa.s.sengers in the car.

The couple just look blank and shrug their shoulders.

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" they ask. Still no response.

Within the next 30 seconds, the people in the car go through five different languages - French, Italian, Spanish, Chinese and Polish - but still the couple look at them uncomprehending. Eventually the tourists give up and drive away and the Russian woman turns to her companion and remarks, "It must be wonderful to speak so many different languages."

"Rubbish," replies the other. "It didn't get them very far."

It was a foul night and the small boat was sailing perilously close to the rocks. Suddenly the captain shouted to his pa.s.sengers, "Does anyone know how to pray?"

"Yes, I do," said a pious looking man at the back.

"Okay, you pray and the rest of us will put on life jackets - you see, we're one short."

Due to severe weather conditions some of the scheduled flights had to be cancelled and the pa.s.sengers found seats on other services. One particular flight to Los Angeles was postponed indefinitely and the ground staff were frantically trying to get the pa.s.sengers re-booked. As the pa.s.sengers waited in line, one arrogant man strode to the front of the queue and demanded immediate attention.

"I must have a first-cla.s.s seat on the next flight," he demanded, "I can't wait here all day."

"Excuse me, Sir, we're going as quickly as we can. If you'd like to get back into the queue we'll see to you as soon as possible," said the airline attendant.

"How dare you dismiss me, young lady!" he spluttered, "Do you know who I am?"

"No, I don't," she said, "but there's no need to panic," and with that, she picked up the microphone and sent out a message over the public address system.

"May I have your attention please. I have a pa.s.senger at Gate 11 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help, please come to the gate as soon as you can. Thank you."

A ladies' man stops for the night at a country hotel and as he signs in, he notices a beautiful blonde sitting alone at the hotel bar. While the receptionist is sorting out the paperwork, he saunters over to the blonde and returns a couple of minutes later with the girl on his arm.

Grinning, he says to the receptionist, "Would you believe it!

I've just b.u.mped into my wife, so we'd better have a double room."

The following morning, he goes to pay his bill and discovers it's for more than 2,000.

"What the h.e.l.l's this for?" he splutters. "I've only been here one night."

"Of course, Sir, but your wife has been here for more than a week!"

A man moves to a small town out in the middle of the bush and after a few days he asks the locals what they do for s.e.x.

"s.h.a.g sheep," comes the reply.

Horrified at the thought, the man ignores them, but two months later with no sign of any female company he eventually gives way and goes out to find himself a little sheep. He takes it back to his place and spends the night in pleasure.

The next morning, feeling much revived, he takes the sheep to the local bar for a drink but when he walks in he's faced with a deadly silence. At last, he can stand it no more and shouts loudly, "What the f.u.c.k are you all staring at? It's you lot who told me this is what you do."

"That's right," one of them replies, "but not with the Mayor's special friend."

Travelling through Wales, an Australian tourist spots a farmer with the back legs of a sheep stuck down his wellingtons.

"G'day," says the tourist, "are you shearing that sheep?"

"Not b.l.o.o.d.y likely," replies the farmer. "Catch one of your own."