Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 32

Three men find themselves sharing a railway carriage to London.

Two are brothers, the third is a GI soldier.

"Heh! You're American, aren't you?" asks one of the brothers.

"I sure am," he replies. "I'm on leave and I'm going to visit this gal in London."

"What did he say?" asks the other brother, who has very bad hearing problems.

"He says he's going to London to see a girl," shouts the other brother.

"She must be very special for you to come all this way,"

continues the brother.

"She sure is."

"What's he saying?" asks the deaf brother.

"He says his girl is very special."

"Yep, as soon as she sees me, she rips my clothes off and does things with her little box of tricks that I've only ever dreamed about. My Patsy's a real goer," enthuses the soldier, leaning forwards in his seat.

"What's he saying?" interrupts the deaf brother. "He says he knows our sister," came the reply.

A voluptuous young lady got on the bus but discovered she couldn't climb the stairs because of her tight skirt. She reached behind her and undid the zipper but it didn't seem to make any difference. So she reached behind her a second time and pulled the zipper down again. All of a sudden, the man standing behind lifted her up and put her on the top step.

"Heh!" she protested. "How dare you!"

"Hold on a minute," he replied. "Once you'd unzipped my fly for the second time, I reckoned we were good friends."

The white missionary had lived in the African village for more than two years. Everything had gone well until one morning, when the Chief sent his men to bring the man before him. He looked at the missionary angrily and said, "Last night, my mother's sister's daughter gave birth to a baby. The baby was white and you are the only white man here. Tonight, you will be tied to that post and burned alive."

After his initial panic, the missionary beckoned the Chief to one side and spoke to him in a low voice.

"Chief, if you look beyond the village, you can see all the sheep grazing on the hill. They are all white except for one black sheep, and there are no other black sheep in the flock.

You see what I mean when I say it looks bad."

"Okay, okay," replied the Chief, fl.u.s.tered. "If you don't tell, then I won't tell."

Two couples who had been friends for over 20 years decided to go camping together to Dartmoor. On the first night around the campfire they ate and drank well, and were about to retire to their tents when one of the men said, "What do you reckon to all this swapping around then?"

The others got quite enthused about the idea so they decided to try it. A few hours later, one of the men turned to his partner and said, "That was great, I haven't had so much fun in ages, I wonder how the girls got on."

"This lorry is travelling along the motorway when suddenly a car goes past beeping its horn frantically. The lorry driver pulls down his window and shouts, "What's up?"

"You're losing your load."

"You daft prat!" he bellows. "I'm gritting the road."

A couple were driving through remote countryside on a beautiful sunny day when they came across a quaint old pub.

They walked into the empty bar and asked the barman what time he opened. "The bar won't be open for another twenty minutes," he said.

"In that case, do you mind if we sit in your garden and wait?"

they asked.

"Not at all," he replied. "Would you like a drink while you're waiting?"

LOADS OF MONEY.

An upper-cla.s.s gent was walking through the park when a sudden strong gust of wind blew up the skirt of a pa.s.sing woman.

"Oh I say, it's airy, isn't it?" he remarked.

The woman replied, "Well what did you expect, feathers?"

The rich and elegant old woman stopped to reverse her Rolls into the only free parking s.p.a.ce. But as she was slowly backing in, a young girl in a nifty little sports car came up behind her and nipped into the s.p.a.ce.

"You've got to be young and daring to do that," laughed the girl.

The old woman ignored her and continued to reverse into the parking spot, slowly crunching the sports car underneath the Rolls' wheels. When she had finished she turned to the dumbfounded girl and said, "You've got to be old and rich to do that."

The rich boyfriend presented his girlfriend with a beautiful fur coat made out of skunk.

"I'm amazed", she said, "that such a gorgeous coat could come from such a stinking little beast."

"Well, f.u.c.k off," said the boyfriend. "I didn't expect much grat.i.tude but there's no need to get so personal."

A woman has her portrait painted by a local artist and asks him if he would paint her dripping with fabulous jewels. She explains, "If I die before my husband and he gets married again, I want his second wife to go crazy looking for the stones."

A very rich couple buy a mansion and 20 acres of land in the country and hire three maids, two man-servants and a gardener to take care of themselves and the upkeep of the property. Now the lady of the house likes her grog and after one particularly heavy night on the booze, the next morning she decides to take a walk around the grounds to clear her head. She b.u.mps into the young gardener and after pa.s.sing the time of day with him, she mentions her hangover.

"I can't even remember going to bed," she tells him.

"Begging your pardon, Ma'am, but I put you to bed when I saw you had fallen asleep on the patio. I hung your dress up so that it would not be spoiled."

"But John, when I woke up this morning I was naked."

"Begging your pardon, Ma'am. I took off your bra and pants because I thought they might be uncomfortable."

The woman blushes and laughs nervously.

"Good gracious, John, I must have been tight."

"Not after the first time, Ma'am."

Three brothers are left their father's business in his will. The oldest son says, "Dad left me 48% of the shares so I'm going to be Chairman."

"OK," says the second son, "and I'll be in charge of the everyday running of the business because I've got 30% of the shares."

"Now wait a minute," says the third and youngest son. "What about me, don't forget I've got 22% of the shares?"

The other two confer amongst themselves and then reply, "We've decided you can be in charge of s.e.xual matters."

"What does that mean?"

"When we want your f.u.c.king advice, we'll ask for it."

"h.e.l.lo, Bates," said Lady Symthe to the gardener. "Do you think you're a good sport?"

"I believe so, yes Ma'am," replied the puzzled man.

"And do you think you're a good f.u.c.k?" she asked, unb.u.t.toning her blouse to reveal nothing on underneath.

"I think I am, yes," stammered the blus.h.i.+ng gardener.

"Well, if that's so, f.u.c.k off, it's April Fools Day."

The Chairman turned to his secretary and said, "I'll never forget that weekend we spent together in the Cotswolds, will you?"

"I don't know," she replied, "it depends how much it's worth."

There had been an awful car accident resulting in a flashy sports car hitting a roadside tree and badly injuring the two pa.s.sengers. When the emergency services arrived, the man was screaming hysterically.

"Try and calm down, Sir," said the paramedic, "and we'll try and see what's wrong. At least you weren't flung through the windscreen like your girlfriend."

"Aagh!" screamed the man even more, "Have you not seen what she has in her mouth?"

The poor man was in great difficulties. His business was failing and it looked as if he was facing bankruptcy. As a last resort he popped into the local church and kneeling down he prayed fervently.

"Oh G.o.d, please don't let this happen to me, please let me win the lottery."

But on Sat.u.r.day night, he had no luck. The following week, the situation got worse. The man lost his house and all his possessions, so once again he went into church and prayed desperately.

"Oh please, please I beg you, please let me win the lottery."

But on Sat.u.r.day, he had no luck. On the following Monday, his wife and children left him and he was now completely on his own. He ran into church, got down on his knees and pleaded, "Oh G.o.d, everything has gone, I have nothing left.

Have pity on me, I beg you. Why won't you help me win the lottery?"

At that moment, there was a tremendous thunderclap, a bright flas.h.i.+ng light and G.o.d boomed out, "You daft b.u.g.g.e.r, you could at least give yourself a sporting chance and buy a f.u.c.king ticket!"

The retired colonel is striding out through the village when he is accosted by one of his manservants who's a little the worse for wear.

"h.e.l.lo, your colonel sir," grins the man. "How the devil are we?" he mimics.

Not only drunk but insulting, the colonel is outraged and remarks forcefully, "Drunk as a skunk!"

The man whispers conspirationally, "Don't worry, Sir, your secret's safe with me, I've had a bit to drink myself."

Lady Cynthia, a spinster for 60 years, was finally forced to get married because of financial difficulties within her aristocratic family. On the night of the honeymoon, she walked into the bedroom wearing a long white nightdress and a pair of long white gloves.

"What's this for, old girl?" demanded her new husband.

"Why are you wearing gloves?"