Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 27

From: Chandra Shekhar Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and the last one: our Santa Singh for Panjab University, were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview. Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that he would call each of them in at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man thought for a moment and replied, "that would have to be 'a thought'." "Why do you say that?" asked the president."Well, a thought takes no time at all......it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.""Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale who replied, "That would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "'cause you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked the same question, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity." "Why?"

"'cause a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.

Then Santa Singh was called in. He too was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" "That is easy...." he replied, "That would have to be diarrhoea!" Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, sh*t came out!!!!!

Santa got the job.

From: Chandra Shekhar

Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven.

Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.

"So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tommorrow's match!"

From: Deepa

Banta and Santa buy one race horse each after learning about big money in racing. Says Banta, "How do we identify which horse is mine and which one is yours?" Santa Singh replies, "I will cut the tail of my horse and so the horse without a tail will be mine and the one with a tail will be yours."

So they cut the tail of the horse. But in the night their naughty kids cut the tail of the other horse too. And the next day Banta Singh is worried and says, "I will cut one of the ears of my horse so the horse with one ear will be mine and the other one will be yours." The next night the kids cut the other horse's ears too. And so it goes on until the horses lost their ears, eyes, had broken noses etc. And in the end both horses were left only with bare legs and were just barely living. Both Santa and Banta were frustrated.

At last Banta says, "BAHUT HO GAYA. SAFED WALA GHORA MERA, KALA WALA TERA"

From: Chandra Shekhar Santa Singh went to the Doctor and complained that he was aching all over.

"Where exactly are you hurting?", asked the doctor.

Santa Singh replied, "All over my body, Doctor." He touched his left hand with his forefinger, "It hurts when I touch here". He touched his right leg. "It hurts here also." He touched his back, arms, stomach - everywhere and said it hurt in all places.

The doctor took some x-rays and said, "Santa Singh! I've caught your problem! You have a sprain in your forefinger!"

From: Jasmeet Singh

Once Lallo Prasad Yadav Went to america. Bill Clinton treated him very nicely and arranged for his stay in the very best hotels. He took him for dinner in the very best of resturants, but naturally Laloo had to go to the loo. So Bill showed him the latest toilet with electronic b.u.t.tons. When he pressed the 1st b.u.t.ton two hands came and took of his pants and underwear, then he finished what he had come for. Then the 3rd b.u.t.ton made the two hands arrive again and wash him. Another b.u.t.ton made him wear his pants.

Now after a long stay Laloo went back home. After some time Bill came to india. Now Laloo was very upset because he knew what kind of toilets existed here. But he said he would manage somehow. When Bill came he wanted to go to the loo too and so Laloo showed him the way to the toilet. Bill saw 5 b.u.t.ttons inside very similar to those in the American toilet. He was impressed and used them the the same way. He came out satisfied and expressed appreciation on the toilet and the fact that the hands were ver y realistic. Meanwhile, Laloo Prasad Yadav quickly washed his hands!

From: Karan Agarwal

Ek sardarji Gujarat ke platform pe kada hua tha aur woh station wala ne announce kia ke bombay jane wali train abhi platform pe 5 minute me anewali hai. Jub yeh sardarji ne suna to woh to bada hi dar ke mare gabra raha tha aur hairan ho gaya. To usne bachne ke liye railtracks pe kud ke khara ho gaya.....

From: Falguni Desai

Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven.

Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.

"So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tommorrow's match!"

From: Deepa

Nawaz Sharif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner Vajpayee says to Nawaz Sharif, "Well Nawaz, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know that?", asks Nawaz Sharif.

"Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Advani over and says to him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!"

"Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sharif is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks, "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

The minister thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Nawaz, and let you know tomorrow?". "Of course", says Nawaz Sharif, "You've got 24 hours."

The minister goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer. Twenty hours later, the member of Nawaz's cabinet is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says,"I'll ask Ben.a.z.ir, she's clever, she'll know the answer." He calls Ben.a.z.ir on the phone, "Ben.a.z.ir, tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother, who is not your brother and is not your sister?".

"Very simple", says Ben.a.z.ir, "it's me!"

"Of course" says the Cabinet member and rings Nawaz Sharif. "Nawaz", says he, "I've got the answer... it's Ben.a.z.ir Bhutto!"

"No, you idiot", says Nawaz Sharif, "it's Advani!"

From: Rohit This sardarji kept staring at his computer screen for quite a while. To break the long pause another guy comes to him and asks, "Why are you simply staring at it... why don't you do start working?" Sardarji replies, "Take a look at the screen...". The other guy looks and there displayed is the message "Press any key to continue".

The man asked "So what?"

The Sardarji replies, "Look, this d.a.m.n keyboard doesn't have the 'Any'

key!...How do I continue now..."

From: Mili

How do you keep a sardarji busy?

Ask him to sit in the corner of a round room .or better still write PTO on both sides of a paper and hand it over to him.

From: Aroop M.Cherian

Three guys are standing on a street corner in New York talking about how much each makes. One is a Gujarati, one is a Sindhi and the other is a Sikh. Suddenly a crazed b.u.m comes up to them. In his hand he holds a hypodermic needle. "Listen!" he says to the gujarati, "I have this here hypodermic needle and guess what. It's contaminated with HIV. I'm going to stab you with it if you don't give me all of your money." "Hai re," says the gujarati, pulling his cash from his wallet, handing it to the b.u.m,"

here's $10. Please just don't stab me."

The Sindhi guy is next. "See this hypodermic needle? I stab you with it and you'll be talking to jhoole lal twenty to thirty years ahead of schedule,"

says the b.u.m. "Here sir," says the Sindhi guy pulling a stack of bills from his wallet, "$100. Please just don't stab me."

The sikh is next. "See this needle", says the b.u.m,"It's infected with HIV."

"I have no fear of you!" The sikh says to the b.u.m. "I am a Sikh! The son of a lion. Stab me with the needle if you want. But i will not give you even a single note of my hard-earned paisa!" "A tough guy huh?" says the b.u.m. He jabs the sikh right in the a.s.s with the HIV needle and bolts away.

The Gujarati and Sindhi are in awe of the Sikh's display of bravery. "Why didn't you give the b.u.m your money?" they ask. The sikh wets his thumb and starts counting the pile of bills in his thick wallet. "I have nothing to fear. I am wearing a condom."

From: Kanwer Anand

This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zial Haq days. Once when Rajiv went to Pakistan on a state visit , Haq showed him the state-of-the-art telephone system of Pakistan. Rajiv Gandhi even made a call to h.e.l.l and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes. The bill came to just 1 Pakistani Rupee and he was highly impressed by Pakistan's telephone system. After coming back to India he ordered the ministry of communications to come up with an equally good system in record time so that he too could show it to Zia Haq. Indeed when the Pakistani came to India , Rajiv Gandhi showed him the telephone system. Zia Haq spoke to Bhutto in h.e.l.l for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 Indian Rupees.

Zia Haq made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to h.e.l.l being so expensive . Rajiv Gandhi was furious and wanted to know why the call to h.e.l.l was so expensive. The engineers immediately discovered the reason - a call to h.e.l.l from India is a long distance call, but from Pakistan its a local call on ly!!

From: Kanwer Anand

Dr. Bhatia was teaching Intro to Reproduction at the Indian Inst.i.tute of Medicine. He held up an unfurled latex condom and asked the cla.s.s, "Does everyone know whatthis is?"

"It's a condom," said the cla.s.s."Very good," he answered.

"Now, what is this?" he asked, holding up a surgical glove. The cla.s.s shrugged, "We don't know."

"It is Draupadi's condom."

From: Kanwer Anand

A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a s.h.i.+rt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called back."

From: Rohit Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting,"This plane is going to cras.h.!.+ And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.

Sonia Gandhi said,"Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

Laloo Yadav said,"I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.

The old saint said to the school boy,"There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."

The school boy said,"Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"

Once a man decided to visit a sardar friend of his. When he reached the house he found the surd playing chess with his doberman. The friend is amazed and says,"What an intelligent dog you have Banta Singh!" Banta sing is unimpressed and says,"He's not that intelligent, he has won only 2 games so far!"

From: Manish Once a young girl went to a judge with a case asking for justise. The judge asked the details about the case; when he was told by the girl that her parents are beating her to death. She also said that she did not wish to live with them anymore. The judge informed the pitiful girl that once the case was filed it would take years for the judment to be given, just like the Bofors, and that of many other politicians. The judge asked the girl with whom she wished to stay with until the case was over. The girl immediately replied that she wanted to stay with the indian cricket team, for they never beat anybody.

From: Nalini Suresh

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.

Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?

Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.

From: Deepak

A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a beautiful young girl."Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant la.s.s I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant."

"You're not rescued yet"

From: Deepa