Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 9

Marriage is a three ring circus: -engagement ring.

-wedding ring.

-SUFFE-RING.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.

When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.

BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married.

He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?

Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?

A child?

A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

A couple came upon a wis.h.i.+ng well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

CASE 1 getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has you wish you had ordered that.

CASE 2 At the c.o.c.ktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"

The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

CASE 3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete.

Then when he is married, he is finished.

CASE 4 Marriage is an inst.i.tution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

CASE 5 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

CASE 6 Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

CASE 7 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

CASE 8 A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes CASE 9 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Affair ?

CASE 10 Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

CASE 11 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

CASE 12 A man inserted an 'ad' in the cla.s.sified : "Wife wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds letters.

They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14 A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked.

The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circ.u.mstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

Men are like.

MEN ARE LIKE... Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate a lot of interest.

MEN ARE LIKE... Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE... Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE... Coffee the best ones are rich, warm and can; keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE... Commercials, you can't believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE... Computers, hard to figure out and never have; enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE... Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE... Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

MEN ARE LIKE... Curling Irons; they're always hot and they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE... Cement, after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE... Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE... Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE... Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE... Snow Storms, you never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE... Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE... Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.