Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 10

MEN ARE LIKE... Newborn babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their c.r.a.p.

MEN ARE LIKE... Laxatives, they irritate the s.h.i.+t out of you.

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about her earth?"

Now the owner is getting p.i.s.sed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to thee her t.w.a.t."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's ca.n.a.l then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "h.e.l.lo?"

Regis: "h.e.l.lo Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo".

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.

"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.

"I think--"

"POOF!"

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.

"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died."

NASA decided to send a shuttle into s.p.a.ce with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into s.p.a.ce. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff."

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut shouted "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the pa.s.sengers in his car...."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"No Radio - Already Stolen"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be a.s.simulated."

"If you can read this then I have lost my caravan."

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train pa.s.ses through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'

The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'

Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'

George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'