Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 18

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand a.n.a.lyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place."

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unb.u.t.ton your s.h.i.+rt."

So he opens his s.h.i.+rt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, " and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Aries Women:

Wildly sensual, pa.s.sionate and adventurous. You'll have s.e.x anywhere. You know what you want. Intense and frequent s.e.x. You have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthy. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.

Aries men: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you . never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave/master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.

Taurus women: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by s.e.x, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both in giving and receiving. Best s.e.x mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting Taurus men: He's the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers It slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral s.e.x. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.

Gemini women: Often the aggressor, you are never embarra.s.sed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one-woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relations.h.i.+p, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best s.e.x mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.

Gemini men: He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral s.e.x isn't his favourite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.

Cancer women: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate pa.s.sion with a fervour that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. In your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying p.r.o.ne while your man enters you from behind. Best s.e.x mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to s.e.xual pleasure!

Cancer men: His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual c.l.i.toral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.

Leo women: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets intensely responsive - and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best s.e.x mates:Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your s.e.xual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!

Leo men: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: Never tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appet.i.te for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral s.e.x is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.

Virgo women: You have no illusions about s.e.x and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relations.h.i.+p to develop to the point where s.e.x is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best s.e.x mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.

Virgo men: Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pyjamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with p.o.r.nography. Erogenous zone: his b.u.t.tocks.

Libra women: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for s.e.x. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an a.s.sault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of v.a.g.i.n.al muscles. Best s.e.x mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your b.u.t.tocks are exposed.

Libra men: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of a menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and b.u.t.tocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!

Scorpio women: Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a wh.o.r.e in the bedroom. Control of the o.r.g.a.s.m is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best s.e.x mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels, and vibrators.

Scorpio men: A l.u.s.tful, s.e.xy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of .. oral s.e.x. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.

Sagittarius women: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy s.e.x, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't ~ mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best s.e.x mates: Leo, Libra, and Sagittarius. Your s.e.xual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes!

Sagittarius men: s.e.x is always an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic ma.s.sage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! He will go to any lengths to please his chosen woman; and is extremely loyal. Erogenous zones: genitals and inner thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's l.a.b.i.a and b.r.e.a.s.t.s and likes to have s.e.x with a woman in peek-a-boo Panties.

Capricorn women: Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only in staying power. Since you like to dominate you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with o.r.g.a.s.m as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best s.e.x mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.

Capricorn men: s.e.x evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!) Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. . Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a ma.s.sage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.

Aquarius women: A slow starter, you idealise love and encompa.s.s it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any s.e.x manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favourite s.e.x position: standing up, and in water.

Aquarius men: Never treats a woman like a s.e.x object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an o.r.g.a.s.m twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarian can be a s.a.d.i.s.t who doesn't like to be denied!

Pisces women: Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are s.e.xually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests. Loves soft candlelight, warm fireplaces, mystery; applies romanticism in all she does. A true romantic at heart. Favourite place: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best s.e.x mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.

Pisces men: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to s.e.xual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous s.e.xual craving to match his own. A master at foreplay and oral s.e.x, you should expect several o.r.g.a.s.ms orally before he gets down to the main event. Pisces men have tremendous endurance, so be prepared. Likes s.e.x in a chair, also standing. He likes to be submissive at times. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: ma.s.saging and caressing his feet.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him.

So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: I beg your "Pardon?"

Story.

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for the office so he asked the wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. The mother, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy playfully went to the medicine bottle and, fascinated with its colour drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child showed signs of poisoning the mother took him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just four words.

QUESTIONS : What were the four words ?

What is the implication of this story ?

Check with the answers only after you have tried to come up with your own.

Please scroll down ...........

ANSWER : The husband just said " I love You Darling "

The husband's totally unexpected reaction is proactive behaviour.

He is indeed a genius in human relations.h.i.+ps. The child is dead. He can never come back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother.

She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gaveher.

If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must understand her a lot and love her with all your heart.

"A journey of a thousand miles, begins with but a single step. Takeoff all your envies, jealousies, unforgiving att.i.tude,selfishness, and fears AND you will find things are actually not so difficult as you think."

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRa.s.sAM Ta.s.sM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Shut up, Fridge."

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...