Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 19

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the "b.u.t.ter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occa.s.sionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You d.a.m.n fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You d.a.m.n fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a p.u.s.s.y willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a j.a.panese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775,".

"Very good! "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the cla.s.s, "Cla.s.s, you should be ashamed.

Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history then you do.

She heard a loud whisper: "F-----g j.a.panese."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up."Lee Iacocca, 1982,"

At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says "George Bush to j.a.panese Prime Minister,1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997".

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Desperate ***************************

Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck, Tech Support.

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!"

They go to bed early and make pa.s.sionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was *wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even more pa.s.sionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

"Sure," the woman says. "Let me go wash my hands first."

After she washes her hands, they make love. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.

This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, "You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep was.h.i.+ng your hands."

Angry at this remark, the woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!"