Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 20

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, "I'll take a large beer."

The bartender says, "Do you want dry beer with no aftertaste, or brewed beer with aftertaste?"

Joe thinks about this for a minute. "Ah, give me the brewed." So the bartender gives it to him and he chugs it.

"No, no," says Al, "think manly! I'll have a dry beer." The bartender goes to fix it.

"Why the dry?" Joe asks.

"Well," says Al, "that way you can have one sip, and since it has no aftertaste, you can keep on drinking and forget you just had one!"

> >> U know something...........

> >> The most selfish one letter word..........."I"

> >> Avoid it.

> >> The most satisfying two-letter word......."WE"

> >> Use it.

> >> The most poisonous three-letter word....."EGO"

> >> Kill it.

> >> The most used four-letter word..........."LOVE"

> >> Value it.

> >> The most pleasing five-letter word......."SMILE"

> >> Keep it.

> >> The fastest spreading six-letter word..."RUMOUR"

> >> Ignore it.

> >> The hardest working seven-letter word.."SUCCESS"

> >> Achieve it.

> >> The most enviable eight-letter word...."JEALOUSY"

> >> Distance it.

> >> The most powerful nine-letter word...."KNOWLEDGE"

> >> Acquire it.

> >> The most essential ten-letter word...."CONFIDENCE"

> >> Trust it.

A friend pa.s.sed this "Quote of the Year" to me today, and I thought I'd share it with you. It's from comedian Chris Rock.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush,' 'd.i.c.k' and 'Colon.'

> >Need I say more?"

Maybe G.o.d wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an a.s.surance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.

Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others'

shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Please send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life in one way or another, to those who make you smile when you really need it, to those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, to those who you want to let them know that you appreciate their friends.h.i.+p. And if you don't, don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message.

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the h.e.l.l were you when I got married?"

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from s.e.x for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!"

So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from s.e.x for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, l.u.s.t and pa.s.sion overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "we were banned from Safeway, too."

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."

Tips for Women 1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.