Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 21

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Don't ask me the time Once a young man asked an old man: Young Man : Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man : Certainly not.

Young Man : Sir, but why ? What are you going to loose, if you tell me the time.?

Old Man : Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man : But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man : Quite possible.

Old Man : May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man : Quite possible.

Old Man : One day you may may to my house saying you were just pa.s.sing by and came in to wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea.

After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask as to who has made it.?

Young Man : Possible Old Man : Then I will tell you that my daughter has made it and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you.You will admire my daughter.

Young Man : Smiles.

Old Man : Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again.

You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man : SmilesIf the t.i.tanic was made in India: 10) There would be 10 times as many people on the s.h.i.+p.

9) There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the rain.

8) By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.

7) It's seven and half-hours long.

6) The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".

5) Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio = played by Salman Khan.

4) The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.

3) None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.

2) They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.

1) Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think about it.

AND Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!

PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of water.

Old Man : My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you.

After meeitng regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man : Smiles Old Man : One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man : Oh Yes! and smiles.

Old Man : (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.

Young Man : Shocked.

Toastmaster.

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?"

John replied, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!"

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take c.r.a.p off anybody!"

In a party one of Santa's friends asked him how many chapattis he could eat with an empty stomach. Santa replied "Seven". His friend asks him, "When you eat the first chapatti your stomach is no longer empty. Then how can you eat seven??"

Impressed by this tricky question, Santa as soon as he goes back home asks his wife, "How many chapattis can you eat with an empty stomach??" She says "Five"

Santa, "Uh!If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it."

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

"Between truth and the search for it, I choose the second."-Bernard Berenson "There's a little truth in all jive, and a little jive in all truth."-Leonard Barnes "A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent."-William Blake "Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well."- Samuel Butler "Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death. I can work out a good character much faster than anyone can lie me out of it."-Lyman Beecher "Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth." -Albert Einstein "The truth is an ambition which is beyond us." - Peter Ustinov "Speak the truth, but leave immediately after." - Slovenian Proverb"You should never have your best trousers on when you turn out to fight for freedom and truth". - Henrik Ibsen"If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people."- Virginia Woolfe"Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than the arguments of its opposers".- William Penn"The truth isn't always beauty, but the hunger for it is."-Nadine Gordimer "The truth is rarely pure and never simple. "-Oscar Wilde "Live truth instead of professing it. "- Elbert Hubbard "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so you apologize for truth."- Benjamin Disraeli "It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar." -Jerome K. Jeromei "The greatest homage to truth is to use it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson "It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself." -Thomas Jefferson"Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by was.h.i.+ng away from it all that is not gold." - Leo Tolstoy "Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected." - Mahatma Gandhi "Truth is a fruit which should not be plucked until it is ripe." - Voltaire "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true, or becomes true."- John Lily "There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth."-Charles d.i.c.kens.

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The pa.s.sion is heating up. But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The guy says "WHAT??".The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."The woman's face goes blank.He Continues-"I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.