Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 39

Caught in a Wind Storm.

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"

"Look here, Sonny - what these people are looking at is 85 years old, but the *hat* is BRAND NEW!"

Couple Married for 50 Years.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

d.a.m.n Jar.

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample.

The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the d.a.m.n jar open!"

Deaf Mute Parents.

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Sat.u.r.day evening.

Sat.u.r.day night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a gla.s.s of water over her a.r.s.e. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another gla.s.s of water over her a.r.s.e. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a gla.s.s of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a matchstick under each eyelid.' "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this a.s.shole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f.u.c.k him. I'm watching the match.'"

Dying Between Two Thieves.

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked, "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!"

Edna and Bill.

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 86 years old and wheel-chair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would pa.s.sively hold Bill's !@#$%^%&^, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.

Edna a.s.sumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 88 years old."

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled and said," Parkinson's disease."

Elderly Couple Celebrate.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to a.s.sure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."

Elderly Father.

A man takes his elderly father to a rest home.

The first night, one of the nurses walks into his room, sees he has an erection, whips off her panties and jumps on top.

The son calls up a few days later, and the old man says, "This place is terrific. A nurse saw me aroused and made love to me."

The next day the guy trips and falls. One of the male nurses sees him lying there with his hospital gown hiked up, yanks out his crank, and f.u.c.ks him in the a.s.s.

A few days later when the son calls to talk to him, he tells him his new story.

Then he says, "So you've got to get me out of here. I only get a hard on once a year, but I fall down all the time."