Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 38

A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and s.e.xy 18-year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy.

Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 go into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

50/50 Sharing.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

50th Wedding Anniversary.

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time _I_ get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

70 Year old Virgin.

There's this 70 year old virgin named Mary and she's sitting around the house one day when all of a sudden she notices this itch in her crotch.

So she goes to the doctor and he takes some tests and tells her to come back a week later for the results.

She comes back a weeks later and the doctor tells her she has the crabs. Mary flips out because she knows there's no way she could have the crabs, her being a virgin and all.

So she goes to another doctor and he tells her the same thing. Then she goes to a third doctor, a younger guy, and he takes some tests.

She comes back a week later for the results and he says, "Mary, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you don't have the crabs. The bad news is your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

80 Year Old Millionaire.

An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.

The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."

"What's that?", asks the millionaire.

"At your age, s.e.x can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care, it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.

Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "What the h.e.l.l, if she dies, she dies."

A Quick Fix.

An elderly couple were at home when the wife called out "So, when are you going to the doctor"

"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."

After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarra.s.sing, but I'd like to get a prescription for v.i.a.g.r.a."

"Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started writing out the prescription. The old man, however, interrupted him "Doc, I forgot to tell you I need each the pills cut into four pieces."

"I know they are expensive pills," said the doctor, "but you have to take the entire pill if you want it to work properly"

"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old and I haven't had s.e.x in more than ten years. I only want it to stick out a little so when I pee, I don't pee all over my shoes."

An Old Italian Woman.

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly tuns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she bends over, looks both beautiful women in the eye and farts......."Broccoli Rabe .49 cents a pound."

An Old Man and the Wizard.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now p.r.o.nounce you man and wife".

Athletic and well Preserved.

Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."