Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 43

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Pinnochio.

One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what wooden girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter?"

Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter.

As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relations.h.i.+p with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore a.s.sumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinnochio, things must be going pretty good with the girls".

To which Pinnochio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"

Seven Dwarfs.

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

"Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

Snow White's Seven Dwarfs.

Snow-white's seven dwarfs visit the Pope in Rome. After seeking the pontiff's blessings, the other six push Sleepy in front. Sleepy sheepishly asks the Pope, "Father, do you have nuns"?

"Yes my son", says the Pope, "We have lots".

Sleepy looks back at the others and says, "I told you they had nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father,do you have black nuns"?

"Of course, my son", replies the Pope, "We have several".

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "I told you they had black nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father, do you have dwarf nuns"?

"Well yes my son, of course we do", says the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "I told you they had dwarf nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father, do you have black dwarf nuns then"?

"Yes my son, we do", says the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "I told you they had black dwarf nuns". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father, do you have nuns in Antarctica"?

"So we do, my son, in every part of the earth", answers the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, "See, I told you they had nuns in Antarctica". "ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM", say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, "Father, do you have black dwarf nuns in Antarctica"?

After a moment's thought, the Pope replies, "I wouldn't think so, son".

Sleepy seems very embarra.s.sed. All the others chorus, "SLEEPY F**KED A PENGUIN, SLEEPY F**KED A PENGUIN, ....."

The Princess and the Frog.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-a.s.sured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the sh.o.r.es of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't think so!

A Salesman and the Farmer's Wife.

A farmer came home late one night and caught a travelling salesman in bed with his wife. The farmer knocked the travelling salesman cold and when he came to, he discovered himself in the barn, where the farmer had tightly clamped his p.e.n.i.s in a big vice, nailed to the bench, and the handle to the vice was gone!

Looking around, he saw the farmer was sharpening a large knife. "Ye G.o.ds, you're not going to cut it off!" cried the salesman. "No," said the farmer; "You can do that yourself while I'm setting the barn on fire!"

About their Love Lifes.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. n.o.body can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Always There Besides Me.

A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-writes as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."

She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."

He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now...And you were still beside me..."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...".

"There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.

He said, "I think you bring me bad luck ... now f.u.c.k off"