Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 44

Amish and the Elevator.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two s.h.i.+ny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a b.u.t.ton. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Angry Wife.

An angry wife met her husband at the door.

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I a.s.sume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Asking for Lurid Fast.

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

Attractive Wives.

While reading the newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear."

Austerity.

One day, the boss tells a businessman that he's going to have to cut his salary by 35%.

So, that night, after dinner, he sat down with his wife to discuss ways they could save money.

The husband said, "I have an idea. If you could learn how to cook, we could fire the cook."

His wife replied "Fine. And if you could learn how to f.u.c.k, we could fire the gardener".

Baby for the Smith.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to. ."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blus.h.i.+ng.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub? Living room floor?

No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my G.o.d!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pus.h.i.+ng to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your uh ... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Bad Luck.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?", she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."