Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 56

The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Arabs not Welcome.

Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME".

A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cas.h.i.+er quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."

No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch. Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"

The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.

Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!"

The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."

Busy Waitress.

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.

The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she pa.s.ses the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!?!"

Do you Believe in Free Love?

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour.

One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"

The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!"

With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', how much do you charge?"

Eating Out in London.

A Texan, a Russian, and a guy from New Jersey are all in a restaurant in London.

When the waiter arrived at the table he said, "Excuse me, but due to our "Mad Cow" disease here in England, if you order the steak, you might not get one, as there is a shortage".

To which the Texan replied, "What's a shortage?"

...and the Russian replied, "What's a steak?"

...and the guy from New Jersey said, "What's "Excuse Me?"

Good Place to Eat.

Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch. One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'h.e.l.lo', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'. They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful s.e.x. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime."

The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?"

"No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."

Hair in Spaghetti.

This guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti. He is served and after all of it is nearly gone he finds a hair in it. He calls the waiter over and says, "Do you see this d.a.m.n hair? I ain't paying for this dirty a.s.s meal!" and walks out.

The waiter watches him, and the guy goes into a wh.o.r.ehouse. The waiter waits about ten minutes and bursts through the door and the guy has go this face buried in p.u.s.s.y.

The waiter says, "You eat p.u.s.s.y and complain about one lousy little hair you found in the spaghetti?" The man replies, "Yes, and if I find any spaghetti in her p.u.s.s.y, I sure as h.e.l.l ain't paying for it either!"

Peaches.

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate.

I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peaches all flavors?"

"Well, sir, pick a flavor."

"OK, strawberry."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like strawberries.

"OK, blueberry."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like blueberries.

"OK, peanut b.u.t.ter and jelly."

The man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into the peach and it tasted like peanut b.u.t.ter.

"Hey, I taste the peanut b.u.t.ter but where's the jelly?"

"Turn it around." replied the man.

The customer turned the peach around and bit into it and tasted jelly."

"OK, here's a hard one: p.u.s.s.y."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer the customer bit into it and responded, "This tastes like s.h.i.+t!"

"Turn it around." replied the man.

Peanuts on M & M.

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other.