Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 57

The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded, "That's OK. Since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms."

Raisin Bread.

There once was this little bread shop not to far from the school. Working behind the counter every day after school was a very voluptuous, nice looking long legged blond girl. She always wore short skirts and no panties underneath.

One day a boy stopped in after school to get some raisin bread for his mother on the way home from school. The raisin bread was kept on the top shelf behind the counter so the girl had to climb a ladder to get to it. When the young boy looked up, he was so amazed and thrilled at the sight; he had to tell all of his friends at school.

From then on, everyday after school, all of the boys would stop in and get one loaf of raisin bread at a time, day after day after day. It got to be so regular, that the girl just stayed on the ladder until she was sure that all of the boys had gotten their bread.

School was cancelled one day so the boys didn't stop by for their bread. Not knowing there was no school, the girl was already at the top of her ladder waiting the arrival of the young boys to buy their raisin bread.

In the store came an elderly man who looked up and noticed the girl on the ladder with no panties underneath.

Without looking down, the girls say, "I know, it's raisin right?"

To which the man replied, "No, but it sure is a twitchin'"

Same Old Lunch.

Three high rise construction steel workers were taking a lunch break sitting on a beam at the 30 story level. An American, a Mexican, and a Newfy Canadian.

The American opens his lunch pail to reveal fried chicken, potato chips, and a beer. (Who could ask for more you ask) The American then exclaims, "I get the same thing for my lunch every day. If I get fried chicken, potato chips, and a beer for my lunch again tomorrow, I'm going to just leap off this beam and end it all!"

The Mexican opens his lunch sack to reveal 2 beef tacos, refried beans, and a shot of tequila. (Not bad as lunches go) The Mexican then exclaims, "I too get the same thing for lunch every day. If I get 2 beef tacos, refried beans, and a shot of tequila for my lunch again tomorrow, I'm going to join you my American friend and leap off this beam to my death!"

The Canadian Newfy then opens his lunch net to reveal a whole decaying Atlantic cod, salt rations, and cold salt water tea. (Better than the BC Telephone Company cafeteria) The Canadian Newfy exclaims, "I three get the same thing for lunch every day. If I get a whole decaying Atlantic cod, salt rations, and cold salt water tea for my lunch again tomorrow, I'm with you guys; off this beam to my death!"

The next day arrives and the American opens his lunch pail. "Wouldn't you know it", he says, "Same old thing for lunch again. I'm out of here!" He then leaps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch sack and exclaims, "Same old thing for lunch here! I'm making like a Mexican jumping bean!" He then leaps to his death.

Finally the Canadian Newfy peers into his lunch net only to discover that he also has the same old thing for lunch. Quietly, without a word he holds his nose and dives over the edge. (We can only speculate that he was holding his nose because he was downwind of his lunch) A week later the 3 widows of the men are consoling themselves at the wake. The American's wife says to the others, "I don't understand why he did it. We had such a wonderful life. He would come home from work and I would have a hot meal waiting for him. After dinner I would rub his feet and ma.s.sage his aching and throbbing muscles. (Get your mind out of that gutter) We would then make pa.s.sionate love before bed. (Ok, you were right go back to the gutter) The next morning I would get up, make him breakfast, and pack his lunch for work."

The Mexican's wife speaks up to say, "I don't understand it either. Jose loved his life. We came from the hards.h.i.+ps of Mexico to find a better life. He would come home after work to a regular fiesta of food. I would prepare a bath for him while he played with little Pedro. (How sweet) After bathing we would make pa.s.sionate love before going to bed; for we one day hoped to have a child. (Little Pedro??? Make room in that gutter) The next morning I would make his favorite, salsa omelet. I would then pack his lunch and with a kiss send him on his way to work."

The Canadian Newfy's wife, after wiping her tears, finally says, "Our lives were much like your own. Wilcil would come home to a beautiful fish dinner. We would then have pa.s.sionate love all evening and before bed we would stop for supper. (Hey, the if the gutter is big enough for two who says three's a crowd) The next morning we would read the paper and have breakfast together. The only difference was; he use to make and pack his own lunch."

The Blind Man and the Waiter.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your v.a.g.i.n.a before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

The Quickie.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's p.r.o.nounced 'QUICHE'."

Gay's Baby.

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his a.s.s."

Not Coming for Lunch.

These two gay guys wake up one morning and one of them says to the other, "This is terrible. One of us is simply going to have to get a job."

The other one says, "You're right. I'll go."

So he gets out of bed, takes a shower, and puts on a jacket and tie, but when he walks into the kitchen he sees his lover jacking off into a plastic bag.

"What are you doing that for?" he asks.

"Well," says the first gay, "I didn't think you'd be coming home for lunch so I thought I'd pack you one."

Playing Swords.

Two b.u.ms were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever. Then, one of them got an idea, saying "I know, let's play swords!"

"Play swords?" asked the other. "How?" "Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's hard, and we both whack'em together like swords."

So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking their d.i.c.ks together playing swords.