Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 58

Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.

"We're playing swords!" yelled one of the b.u.ms.

The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted. "I'm tired," he said. He bent over saying, "Oh just kill me!, kill me!!"

Proud Dads.

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out was.h.i.+ng cars for a local dealers.h.i.+p. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealers.h.i.+p. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarra.s.sed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

Settle out of Court.

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furious, the guy in the pa.s.senger seat throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your a.s.s, Buddy!"

The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my d.i.c.k!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get real big and his face just lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

Bridge to Hawaii.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wis.h.!.+" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Cowboy and a Genie.

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"

The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"

The cowboy thought for a minute...then said "A million dollars in the bank."

The snake said, "Granted, next."

Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world."

The snake said, "Granted, next."

Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like MY horse."

The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a s.e.xy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty-nine dollars.

He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.

"Dammit, I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"

Dessert Island.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were on a desert island when, one glorious day, a bottle was washed ash.o.r.e. They convened to discuss the traditional method for opening such an instrument and - sure enough! - within was a genie, complete with the three wishes we're all familiar with.

The Englishman developed a mellow look and, with tears in his eyes, recalled his favorite corner pub with a pint of ale. No sooner said than....whooos.h.!.+ Off he went.....

The Scotsman stood amazed.....and reckoned that a drop of Good Old Whiskey in downtown Aberdeen sounded pretty close to paradise. You guessed it....whooos.h.!.+

And that left the Irishman - and one wish. Silence prevailed until the genie caught his eye and suggested that the life-expectancy of wishes wasn't really all that impressive, so......

"Well" said the Irishman, "I'm kind of lonely now.....I wish my friends were back with me......."

Genie on the Bag.

Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.

"Wow ! " said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks the genie for a million bucks, and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

Goblins.

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!"

"Ok, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "

I want a huge mansion to live in."

"Ok, you've got it."

"My second wish is a Mercedes."