Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 59

"Ok, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars."

"Ok, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s.e.x all night with me."

"Ok then, if that's what it takes."

The next morning, the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"

"I'm 27," she replies.

"f.u.c.k me," says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins!"

Golfer and the Leprechaun.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great s.e.x life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your s.e.x life?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Indian Genie.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his a.s.s. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your a.s.s?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.'

And I said, 'No s.h.i.+t!'"

Irresistible to Women.

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as he granted his wish and disappeared. "That was your first wish too!"

Lucky Guy.

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish.

So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road.

He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a gla.s.s of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time pa.s.ses before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am.

But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succ.u.mb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his a.s.s off.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

Monica's Wish.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the sh.o.r.e. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I've written my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want." "I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

The genie waved his hand. Zap!, Her ears vanished.

p.i.s.sing Vodka.

A Russian man was walking along the beach when he came across a lamp in the sand. He picked up the lamp and began to rub it when out popped a genie. The genie asked if he could help him. The Russian man asked if he could grant him some wishes?

The genie replied that he could grant him one wish. The Russian began to think and then said, "I got it, whenever I p.i.s.s I want to p.i.s.s out vodka." The genie replied wish granted and left. All excited the Russina man ran all the way home burst through the door and said, "Honey, come here I have something to show you and bring two gla.s.ses". His wife enters the room with the two gla.s.ses and asks "What is going on?"

He replies "watch this", pulls down his trousers and p.i.s.ses in both gla.s.ses. Picking up one gla.s.s and extending out toward his wife he says "here honey try this".

His wife screams "what are you crazy I'm not drinking your p.i.s.s", when by accident a little spills on her face. At this point she realizes that it tastes like vodka and the Russian man explains to her about the genie and together they start to drink.

The next day the man returns from work and the wife asks if they could sit down together again and have a drink. The man says sure but only bring one gla.s.s this time. His wife looking all confused asks "why only one gla.s.s?" He replies, "tonight dear you're drinking from the bottle."