Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 60

The Genie.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw gla.s.s all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do".

And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had s.e.x with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?... That's amazing."

Two Sunken s.h.i.+p Survivor.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a s.h.i.+p that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their s.h.i.+p slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half-dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.

"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to p.i.s.s in the boat."

A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli.

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."

Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."

Birhtday Present.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the b.u.t.tons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Christmas Gift.

A little boy woke up on Christmas day and was excited about all the presents he had received. He asked his dad if he could walk over to grandma's house and get his present from her. His dad said it was okay.

When he got to grandma's house, he asked where his present was. Grandma replied, "For your present this year, I'm gonna let you f.u.c.k me, but you can't tell anyone, not even your dad." The boy agreed and proceeded to f.u.c.k his grandma.

When he returned home, his dad asked him what grandma had given him. The boy said, "I can't tell you." Dad said, "Tell me or your going to be punished." The boy said okay and told his dad what grandma had given him.

Dad looked at the boy and said, "What, you f.u.c.ked my mother."

The boy looked at dad and said, "So what, you f.u.c.k my mother every night."

George the Mailman.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fis.h.i.+ng lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most pa.s.sionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'f.u.c.k him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Something Real Cheap.

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"

Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.