Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 65

A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me that my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

His friend says, "Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't f.u.c.k her."

Albert's Physical Exam Result.

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

Appointment with the Gyne.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

a.r.s.e Eye.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his gla.s.s eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's b.u.t.t was that gla.s.s eye staring right back at him!

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

At a Senior Citizen's Check Up.

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his s.e.x life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

Baby Swallowed a Condom.

A Doctor's Phone Rang at home at Three o'clock in the morning.

Sleepily he answered "h.e.l.lo?"

A very frantic woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed a condom."

The Doctor said, "Take him to the Hospital and I'll meet you just as soon as I get there." He started putting on his clothes and was just getting ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again. He answered "h.e.l.lo?"

A very calm voice on the other end of the line said, "That's alright Doctor, we found another one, never mind."

Bed Wetting Problem.

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked, but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror.

The young woman was even more shocked, but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs. When she did, he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts.

After a few moments and some very positive "yes, yes" type noises, the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," he replied, "my wife is right. A beard would suit me"

Big Lips.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her v.a.g.i.n.a lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarra.s.sed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She a.s.sisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Big p.e.n.i.ses.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During his inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p.e.n.i.ses.