Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 73

One day this lady goes into a plastic surgeon's office. She wanted something that would take away the wrinkles in her face. The doctor suggested that they put a screw in her head and every time she wanted the wrinkles out of her face she would tighten the screw. The lady agreed to this idea and went home with a screw in her head.

About a month later the lady came in complaining that the screw wasn't working.

"look at these bags under my eyes, they're hideous! I want my money back!" "Listen lady," said the doc, "those bags are your b.r.e.a.s.t.s and if you keep tightening that screw all the time you're soon gonna have a beard!"

s.e.x Pills.

There's this woman and her husband's whose s.e.x life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and ordered her to put one pill into her husband's coffee every morning.

So the first morning she does as the doctor said and that night the s.e.x was great, so the next day she decides to put two pills in and instantly the husband is h.o.r.n.y.

Finally, on the third day she puts the whole bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had s.e.x.

A couple of days later the doctor called to see how everything was going and a little boy answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your daddy been?"

The boy answered, "Well, let's put it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my a.s.s hurts, and my dad's on the front porch saying here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

s.e.x Problem.

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this s.e.x problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".

"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc".

"No, hang on", said the young man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have s.e.x all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.

"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.

"No no no", said the randy old b.u.g.g.e.r. "When I go to lunch I meet this diner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.

"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

"Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".

"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b before dinner and then we have s.e.x afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc.

"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I w.a.n.k".

s.e.x Therapist.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any s.e.x in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a s.e.x therapist.

Her personal physician recommended Dr. w.a.n.g, a well-known Chinese s.e.x therapist. So, she went and saw him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. w.a.n.g took one look at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said w.a.n.g, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery fa.s.s away from me to other side of room." Having done that, Dr. w.a.n.g said, "OK, now turn around and craw reery, reery fa.s.s to me,"

Once again she obliged. Dr. w.a.n.g slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you hauve Ed Zachary Disease...worse case I ever see... that why you not hauve s.e.x...that why you not hauve dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" w.a.n.g replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your b.u.t.t........"

s.e.xual Performance Problem.

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a s.e.xual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, v.i.a.g.r.a, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."

s.e.xual Problem.

Doctor, the embarra.s.sed man said, "I have a s.e.xual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

Small d.i.c.k.

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest d.i.c.k he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked.

"s.h.i.+t, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great s.e.x life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doc asked.

"Nights are no problem," Dave said. 'cause there's two of us looking for it then."

Son Caught V.D.

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has." Said the man.

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the Doc.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife has it too."

"Son of a b.i.t.c.h!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"