Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 74

Stamp on the Stomach.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying gla.s.s to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Strange Headache.

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es to press up against the base of your spine.

The pressure creates one h.e.l.l of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new s.h.i.+rt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the s.h.i.+rt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es up against the base of your spine and give you one h.e.l.l of a headache."

Stucked Vibrator.

Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

Stuttering.

This overly endowed guy says to his Doctor, "Doc, I've b-b-been st-st-st-stuttering for y-y-years, and I c-c-c-can't st-st-stand it anymore! Can you h-h-h-help me?" The doc says he'll see what he can do and puts him through the whole battery of tests; GI series, brain scans, etc. After all that is over says he thinks he knows what's causing the patient's stuttering. The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wh-wh-what is it, d-d-d-Doc?"

The doctor replies, "Well, I know this sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large p.e.n.i.s. It's a foot long. It seems its weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords that most men don't have to deal with. The only cure I know of is to remove it and transplant a shorter one."

The patient thinks for just a moment, and says, "OK! Do it." So he goes through with the operation, and 3 weeks later comes back for a follow-up appointment.

He says, "Doctor, you surely cured my stuttering problem and I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had s.e.x once since then, and my wife really doesn't like this shorter p.e.n.i.s. In fact she's making life h.e.l.l. So, I've thought about it, and decided I can out up with the stuttering easier than going without s.e.x. I want you to put my long one back on!"

The doc says, "N-n-n-nope,. A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal"

Suppository.

A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor The doctor said, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later."

The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks has his wife to put a suppository in. She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed. His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!"

Swollen d.i.c.k.

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination.

When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a d.i.c.k the size of a little kid's little finger.

A nurse standing in the room sees his little d.i.c.k and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

Tapeworm.

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's a.s.s. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patient's a.s.s.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.

Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie.

And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute pa.s.ses. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pa.s.s. Then a little head pokes out the patient's a.s.s and says "WHERE'S MY d.a.m.n COOKIE!?!?"

::::: WHAM :::::.

Tennis Elbow.

A guy goes to see the doctor about a sore elbow. When he gets in, the doc tells the man about a new machine he has where all he has to do is pee in a cup and the machine will tell him what's wrong.

So the man gives the urine and the doctor puts it into the machine and it says that he has tennis elbow. The man was amazed. On his way out the nurse gave him another cup and said that if he had any more problems that he could just pee in the cup and drop it by the doctor's office and they would take care of it.

Well a couple of days pa.s.sed and the guy decided to fool the doctor and his new fancy machine. So he got his daughter to pee in the cup, then he got some motor oil off the dipstick on the car then he m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed into the cup. he stirred it up real good and took it to the doctor.

The doctor put the sample into his machine and told the man to wait outside. It took about an hour before the doctor came back.