Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 75

He said "sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news." the man said "tell me doc I can handle it." The doctor replied," well your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't quit masturbating you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow!"

The Messy Nurse.

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

Tonsillectomy.

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have s.e.x again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy."

Two Mental Patients.

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth.. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH.....

"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm f.u.c.king his wife."

Vasectomy.

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Vasectomy.

Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office. At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it.

[Standard operating procedure.]

However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's s.c.r.o.t.u.m and completed the operation.

[Standard operating procedure.]

A few months later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pa.s.s a hamburger stand, I have an erection.

Visiting a Doctor Friend.

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Wet Dreams.

A man went to his doctor and told him of his extremely active s.e.x life, he said he had a wife, several mistresses, m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed frequently, and had wet dreams every night.

The Doctor asked which he liked the best.

He Replied, "Wet dreams...you meet a much higher cla.s.s of people in them."

Who's Obsess with s.e.x.

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with s.e.x."

The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.

The man immediately says, "OMIGOs.h.!.+ Four people having s.e.x!!!!".

Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having s.e.x."

Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having s.e.x".

The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with s.e.x."

To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

Witch Doctor.

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.