Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 76

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wis.h.!.+"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

A Colonel and a Major.

A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says s.e.x is 90% work and only 10% pleasure.

The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate.

The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion.

He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead. He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it"!

An American Soldier.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude cla.s.s of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b.i.t.c.h out the window."

Birthday Suit Inspection.

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside b.u.t.t naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and s.h.i.+vering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The Sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

Breathalyzer Test.

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flas.h.i.+ng lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

Briefing on Land Mines.

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Caught by the Cop.

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: "License and registration please."

Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"

State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."

Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."

State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!"

State cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"

Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."