Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 81

Dying... a Smart Irishman.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion ..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?".

Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

European Communication.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali k.u.m tru.

Fire Three Shots.

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.

The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

Fluctuations.

There is a man who visits Great Britain on a vacation from his home country: China. The first day he exchanges some Chinese money for twenty British pounds. That day he paints the town red and needs to go to get more money.

The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office and gives the same amount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19 pounds in return. In broken English, he says to the clerk, "Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give me 20 pound. Today, I give you same money, you give 19."

The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."

The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face and yells back, "Fluck you Asians!!? Well Fluck You Britis.h.!.+"

Get their Muses h.o.r.n.y.

There was an English, an American, and an Aussie. One day they were discussing how easily they can get their missus' h.o.r.n.y. So the Englishman says "All I have to do is rub my missus' nipples and she lifts a foot off the bed".

The American laughs and says "Yeah, well all I have to do is slip the tongue in and my missus lifts two feet off the bed".

By now the Aussie is p.i.s.sin' himself laughin' and comes out with "Yeah, that's nothin' either. All I do is wipe my c.o.c.k on the curtain and my missus. .h.i.ts the roof!"

Italian Accent.

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud).

One day Im'a gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two p.i.s.sa toast. She brings me only one p.i.s.s. I tella her I want two p.i.s.s. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand...I wanna to p.i.s.s onna my plate. She say you better not p.i.s.s onna plate, you sonna ma b.i.t.c.h.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma b.i.t.c.h. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma b.i.t.c.h.

So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma b.i.t.c.h. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma b.i.t.c.h.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say p.i.s.s on you too, you sonna ma b.i.t.c.h.

I gonna back to Italy.

j.a.panese Banks.

Asian Economy Worsens!

Recent reports indicate the j.a.panese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped.

a.n.a.lysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sus.h.i.+ Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

j.a.panese Mail Order Bride.

This white guy marries a j.a.panese mail-order bride. She doesn't speak any English. During s.e.x she always starts screaming "YOs.h.i.+ DOs.h.i.+, YOs.h.i.+ DOs.h.i.+!!!" and her husband interprets this as meaning "Very Good!".

A few months later, the husband goes out golfing with some j.a.panese business a.s.sociates. The one fellow gets a hole in one and the husband figures he'll impress the guy so he claps his hands and yells "YOs.h.i.+ DOs.h.i.+!!!"

The j.a.panese guy gets really p.i.s.sed off and yells back "What do you mean, wrong hole?"