Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 82

Mississippi.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two a.s.ses, dey come together. I come again. Two a.s.ses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our s.e.x lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

My Jewish Friend.

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities throughout the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Pa.s.sover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony, Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Prejudice against Italians.

Two blokes are walking down the street. One of them is notorious for his prejudice against Italians. Yet when he sees an Italian organ grinder with a monkey, he throws $20 into the monkey's hat. The friend is surprised. "But people have been telling me for years how much you hated Italians, and here you do that." To which the bloke replies, "Well, they're so cute when they're little."

Russian Baby.

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Speeches to the Deaf Society.

An Englishman , a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleague's starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated b.r.e.a.s.t.s and thus Ladies...and by rubbing my groin I indicated b.a.l.l.s and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English b.a.s.t.a.r.d and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland b.a.s.t.a.r.ds and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

Stereotyping.

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, " I don't like Chinese. "

The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?

"The Captain says, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "

The F.O. says, " Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That j.a.panese, not Chinese.

And the Captain answers, " Chinese, j.a.panese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike. "

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, " No like Jew. "

The Captain replies, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "

F.O. says, " Jews sink t.i.tanic. "

The Captain tries to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the t.i.tanic, it was an iceberg. "

The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same.

Stretching a Dime.

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like s.h.i.+t. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

Three Chinese Daughters.

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.