Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 85

Honeymoon Accident.

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

Married a Long Time.

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarra.s.sed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Missing Newlyweds.

A very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents after the wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for both breakfast and lunch without the seeing the couple.

When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and son, "Have either of you see the newlyweds?"

The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law all day.

The bride's older brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM the previous evening, when he stuck his head out the door to ask if he knew where there was any Vaseline.

As the father's face took on a knowing smile, his son further added, "I couldn't find any Vaseline, so I gave him some model airplane glue."

Most Beautiful Night.

On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger, insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very s.e.xy lingerie.

"Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Marie sat down brus.h.i.+ng her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."

Piece of Meat.

There was a little boy and little girl playing in a mud box and the little boy as being a little boy playing with his goober.

The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between her legs.

The little boy had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the little girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can imagine what happened ... YES ... the little boy's finger was just about taken off.

The poor boy ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl and after college they got married.

They had been married now for about 6 months and the old boy came home to a crying wife.

She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"

He said, "No your not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"

"Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months and we have not made love," she said ...

The guy said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened to me when I was a kid." And he did.

The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"

The guy said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we need to split up."

She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her cloths off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to her husband and said, "Watch." She started to put the bread down there when she farted!

Her husband flew into the bedroom and locked the door. The wife beat on the door and pleaded for him to come out!!

He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"

Texas Couple.

One day a young Texas couple decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having s.e.x. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!".

After a few more hours of driving they pa.s.s two horses having s.e.x. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" the husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands p.e.n.i.s. "What is that?" she asks. "That is my rope" he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asks "What's the matter honey?" The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope!"

The Best Worms.

A man and his wife checked into a hotel for their honeymoon one warm June day. The desk clerk and hotel manager gave each other the 'nudge-nudge', indicating that they would never see the two of them all week long, as they would be up in the room, consummating their marriage.

But, to the managers' amazement, the new husband came down the stairs at 5:00 am, dressed in waders, with fis.h.i.+ng poles and tackle boxes in tow. He left the hotel, and did not return until the sun was dropping beneath the horizon.

This same routine was performed for the next three days...the husband would come down the stairs early in the morning, decked out for a day of fis.h.i.+ng, and be gone for most of the day.

The hotel manager was amazed...if his wife was as attractive as this mans wife was, he would be in bed with her all day long! So , he decided to confront the man when he returned from his day of fis.h.i.+ng.

Around 7:30 that evening, the husband returned. Immediately, he was confronted by the hotel manager. "Sir, I must ask you...have we in some way failed you as a hotel?"

"Why do you ask", asked the husband.

"Well, Sir, every day, you leave your wife alone, to spend the day fis.h.i.+ng. I would have expected you to spend the day with her, making love to her."

"Oh, I see what you mean", said the man. "My wife is unable to make love to me, as she has Gonorrhea"

Taken aback, the manager replied "But certainly, Sir, you could have her perform oral s.e.x on you?"

"Can't. She has pyorrhea, and her mouth hurts her to much"

"Sir, what about a.n.a.l s.e.x?"

"Nope. She has diarrhea"

"But Sir," said the most shaken manager. "If you wife has Pyorrhea, Gonorrhea, and Diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?"

"Well," said the man "I like to fish, and she s.h.i.+ts the best worms!"