Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 90

'Impossible,' said the embarra.s.sed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

A Bear and a Rabbit.

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish.

The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet ... and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled.

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well."

The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

A Dog Named s.e.x.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine s.e.x.

Now s.e.x has been very embarra.s.sing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for s.e.x. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had s.e.x since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for s.e.x. He said every room in the place was for s.e.x. I said, "You don't understand. s.e.x keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered s.e.x in a contest, but before the compet.i.tion began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have s.e.x in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have s.e.x on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had s.e.x before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, s.e.x left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night s.e.x ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for s.e.x."

A Mouse & a Lion in a Bar.

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the h.e.l.l happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g, I must have run a hundred miles!"

An Emu, a Cat & a Man at the Bar.

A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.

A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.

After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.

This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what was going on and why he was drinking with an emu, and a cat that refused to buy a round of drinks.

"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight p.u.s.s.y."

Bad Dog.

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A pa.s.ser-by, who had seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Birthday Parrot.

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad att.i.tude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's att.i.tude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music , anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, there was quiet.

The man was frightened that he might actually have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said.... "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

The man was astounded at the bird's change in att.i.tude and was about to ask what had changed him.... when the parrot continued..... "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Blind Bunny & a Blind Snake.

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no b.a.l.l.s. I'd say you must be a lawyer."

Blind Horse.