Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 91

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see.

As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brus.h.i.+ng down a fine-looking stallion. "h.e.l.lo friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.

"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

Boy or Girl Parrot.

Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their s.e.xes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priests visits the old lady.

The male parrot takes one look at his collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

Bragging about their Dogs.

Three blokes are in a pub bragging about their dogs. Each claims to have the world's smartest dog.

The first bloke says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the Herald Sun. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."

The second bloke says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give my dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a packet of Peter Jackson. He knows it's the only brand I'll smoke. He comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog."

The third bloke says "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs trade? Well, my dog runs the place!"

CAT-scan & LAB-Test.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the CAT scan and lab tests."

Construction Worker's Dog.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog was named Measure. He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce gla.s.s. The dog did this with no problem.

All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and asked, "What can your dog do?

The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show these fellows what you can do!"

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, s.h.i.+t on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back. While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.

Cow Give Birth.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Elephant's Mating Season.

A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, "Your job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it's mating season and they will jump on just about anything." "Don't worry," the guy replied, "I've worked with elephants before."

Half way through his first day he goes running in to the head keeper's office screaming, "I quit, one of those elephants cornered me and now my a.s.shole is the size of a basketball."

"That can't be true," replied the head keeper, "if you worked with elephants before you know their p.e.n.i.ses are about as round as a grapefruit."

"I know, I know," the guy screams, "but, he fingered me first!"

Escaped Kangaroo.

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Farmer Gossman.

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated..."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's a.s.s, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet asks, "What happened?"

Farmer Gossman answers, "The horse blew first."