Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 92

Funeral Procession.

A man was leaving a Stop n' Go with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hea.r.s.e was followed by another long black hea.r.s.e about 50 feet back.

Behind the second hea.r.s.e was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hea.r.s.e is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog bit her and she died."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hea.r.s.e?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence pa.s.ses between the two men.

"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

Headache.

A husband and wife at a zoo, staring at a gorilla in a cage. The gorilla seems to get excited.

Husband: "I think he likes ya hun, Pull down your bra strap off one shoulder".

Gorilla: OOOH, OOOH, Ooh Husband: "Wow, now try pulling down your other bra strap".

Gorilla: "OOOH, OOOH, OOOH, OOOH, OOOH" Husband opens the cage door and shoves his wife in.

Husband: Now tell HIM YOU HAVE A f.u.c.kING HEADACHE b.i.t.c.h!!!!

Help Wanted.

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

h.o.r.n.y Rat.

With his b.a.l.l.s nearly on fire, a h.o.r.n.y rat was tearing down the jungle path. Spying a parrot up in a tree, he screeched to a halt and propositioned the bird.

No go.

In growing desperation, the rat took off once more and shortly thereafter noticed a monkey swinging through some vines up ahead. But the monkey, too, turned him down cold.

With his aching b.a.l.l.s now nearly dragging on the ground, the rat resumed his feverish search for something to put it to. At length he saw an elephant browsing beside the trail. Racing up to her, he panted, "Hey, moma, want to get it rough and hard?"

The elephant looked him over, sorta smiled, and replied, "What the h.e.l.l. Hop on and show me your best stuff." So the rat jumped up on her and started going at it.

Just as he was really hitting his stride, a coconut fell from the tree over head and struck the elephant right between the eyes. "Ouch!" she yelled.

The rat paused in mid-stroke and said triumphantly, "Suffer, b.i.t.c.h! Suffer!"

Humping Dog.

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel would start humping her every time he came into the house, "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.

"Well," the dog Doc answered, "we could cut his b.a.l.l.s off to cut his s.e.x drive down."

"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath!"

Initiation.

There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch.

They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.

The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!"

Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!

So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"

"Huh?" he said.

"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."

Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."

A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, b.u.t.toning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.

Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw the sheep?"

"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."

Labrador Retrievers at Vet.

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a p.i.s.ser. I p.i.s.s on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I p.i.s.sed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the h.e.l.l of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."