Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 99

Remember When...

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note a window was something you hated to clean...

And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes An application was for employment a program was a TV show a cursor used profanity a keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped n.o.body found out Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear n.o.body's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.

Saint Nick.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everybody felt s.h.i.+tty even the mouse.

Mom at the wh.o.r.ehouse and dad smoking gra.s.s I'd just settled down for a nice piece of a.s.s.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.

Then out on the lawn I saw a big d.i.c.k I knew in a moment it must Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of h.e.l.l I knew in a moment the f.u.c.ker had fell.

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber d.i.c.k for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a b.i.t.c.h blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight p.i.s.s on you all and have a h.e.l.l of a night!!!

Screwy d.i.c.k.

Here lie the bones of Screwy d.i.c.k.

At birth he was blessed with a corkscrew p.r.i.c.k.

His entire life he spent in a futile hunt to find the girl with the corkscrew c.u.n.t.

One day he found her and soon fell dead, son of b.i.t.c.h had a left-hand thread.

The First Time.

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you s.h.i.+ver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes, and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned, and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake you head, and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill, but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

The Oedipus Complex.

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

Congressman.

A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local paper.

"Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to Was.h.i.+ngton, are you going to be a p.a.w.n for the powerful interests that most of your const.i.tuents think will control you?"

"I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied. "I do not plan to take my wife to Was.h.i.+ngton."

Democrats Emblem.

"Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom "stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of d.i.c.ks, and gives one a sense of security while s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g others."

Politician Son.