Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 101

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Big John does not Pay.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet two, built like a brick s.h.i.+t-house, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the pa.s.senger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pa.s.s."

Bill Collector.

A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen behind on her bills.

"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next installment on that couch?"

The lady shrugged. "I guess that's better than having to give you money."

Blind Salesman.

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fis.h.i.+ng rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark gla.s.ses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fis.h.i.+ng rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts, "That's a Zebco 2500, fibergla.s.s, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !"

She finds another and does the same. "Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she pa.s.ses gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

Blindman.

A nun had just got out of the bath and was standing naked in her bedroom when there was a knock at the door, "whos there" she called out.

"It's all right, Iam a blindman" came the reply, trepidation gave way to compa.s.sion and she opened the door to him.

"Hmmm, nice pair of t.i.ts, now where do you want me to put this blind"

Blindman's Job Interview.

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her a.s.s in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the s.h.i.+t house door off a tuna boat!"

Bridge.

A lady was applying for a position as a housekeeper and when asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called "Bridge" and last night there were a lot of folks there.

As I was about to serve refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got". Then another man said, I've got strength but no length". Then another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick".

I pretty near dropped dead. Just then, the lady answered "You forced me; you jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise".

"Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I got my hat and coat as I was leaving I hope to die...if one of them didn't say "I guess I'll go home now; this is the last rubber". Then I fainted out cold!

Broom Factory.

A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.

The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.

He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason.Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."