Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 102

Buying a Bra.

A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.

Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.

Drunk: This one will do the job!

Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?

Drunk: 7 1/2.

Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a standard listing of mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.

Drunk: 7 1/2.

Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer to help.

Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!

Clerk: But, sir-- Drunk: 7 1/2, G.o.d dammit !!!

Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?

Drunk: My hat!

Can't Have a Descent Jobs.

A fat and ugly little man from Bangladesh named Futh decides that since he cannot get a decent job in his own country, he would immigrate to the United States and try his luck there.

Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.

"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.

"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseb.a.l.l.s at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"

"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"

"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."

Changing Career.

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening cla.s.ses and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the m.u.f.fler..."

Charade Player.

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The Charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The first, third and fifth ladies are holding their b.r.e.a.s.t.s, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the right answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the eight women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture."

"t.i.tty...rump... t.i.tty... rump... t.i.tty... rump... rump...rump."

City Slicker.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Clerk in a Drugstore.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I subst.i.tuted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!

Consultant.

A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car."

The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.

"137" says the driver.

"d.a.m.n me, you're right," says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.

The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you." says the shepherd. "If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."

"Done," says the driver.

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l! How did you guess?"

"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it."