Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 113

Young Ventriloquist.

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.

He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart a.s.s hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

Fl.u.s.tered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart a.s.s little fella on your knee!"

A Week away from Wedding Day.

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Ere Mabel as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert.

Mabel's answer as expected was "No Bert it's only 6 days to go however you can have a look at your prize".

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel . Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow I'll let you have a little feel of your prize".

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize".

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air "Cor Mabel. Do you think it will keep till Sat.u.r.day"!!

Cold Hands.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *nose* ever get cold?"

Four Years of Mourning.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My b.r.e.a.s.t.s you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"

Hickey Alibi.

A married man had a secretary that was a sweet young thang, and so he decided to "work late" one night and take this girl to dinner. He called his wife to tell her and she said, "okay, no problem."

After dinner with the secretary, it was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had "swinging from the chandelier" s.e.x for two hours. The man went to the bathroom to straighten his clothing for the trip home when he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had NO idea what to tell his wife, but he knew he must be getting home as it was getting quite late.

After knocking on the door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him. He thought "Aha!!" and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!" to which she looked up, ripped open her blouse and said, " That's nothing, look at what he did to my t.i.ts!!"

James' Beard.

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a s.e.xy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Just Like Mom.

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ol' mom?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not... My dad can't stand her!"

Marriage to a Wealthy Arab.

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

"Whatever for?" asked her father.

"I've married a pervert," she cried.

"What do you mean?" he asked.