Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 114

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."

So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer."

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.

"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

"When I married him," she sobbed, my a.s.shole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."

"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!"

Monster Fart.

Joe a nervous young man, was invited to dinner with his girlfriends parents.....a stern Yorks.h.i.+re farmer and his wife.....

Half way through the meal, as they were discussing his intentions towards their daughter, Joe feels an enormous fart coming on, He was unable to control it and the rasp could be heard all over the house..."Get out, Shep!!" said the farmer to the sheepdog, who was lying under the table. "Thank G.o.d" thought Joe "He thought is was the dog".

About 10mins later...Joe could feel another buildup of gas, again he could not m.u.f.fle it and an even louder fart ripped from his a.r.s.e... "Get out, Shep" shouted the farmer at the dog who had crept back under the table.

Again after 5 more minutes... He felt an even bigger build up, this time Joe let go a real monster fart, which made the table shake, the farmer kicked the dog who was back under the table and shouted " For G.o.ds sake Shep, get out from under there before the b.a.s.t.a.r.d s.h.i.+ts on you"

The Beautiful Secretary.

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have.

"Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in London. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone & calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think & finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like s.e.x, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch p.e.n.i.s."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.

Virgin.

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel" She said, "no, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."

She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?" She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."

She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself( typical man, eh girls??) shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"

A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"

Wendy.

A guy was getting really involved with his girlfriend, so he went to a tattoo parlor and got her name tattooed on his p.e.n.i.s.

When his p.e.n.i.s was at erect it said "Wendy", and when it was limp it says "Wy".

Well, one day he and "Wendy" went to this nude beach. They were walking along, and he saw a guy's p.e.n.i.s that said "Wy".

He approached him and asked him if his girlfriend's name was "Wendy". He said "No, mine says 'Welcome to the beach and have a nice day.'"

3 Nuns & 4 Cuc.u.mbers.

Three nuns went to a cuc.u.mber stand in an open market one day.

They asked how much the cuc.u.mbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar.

The nuns said agreed to purchase Four.

The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cuc.u.mbers when there were only three of them.

A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."

A Confession.

A man is driving down the road and sees a nun hitchhiking in the rain. He pulls his car over and offers the nun a ride.

The nun appears very grateful and says, "Thank you for giving me a ride, I wish there was some way to repay you for your kindness."

The man, feeling a bit amorous, tells her,"Well actually, I'm kind of a lonely guy, and, well, you could repay me with a little bit of s.e.x."

The nun then answers, "Well you were very kind to offer me a ride, but I must retain my vow of celibacy, so would you mind if I performed oral s.e.x instead?"

The man agrees and upon completion of the deed he tells the nun, "I have a confession to make, I am a married man and I have just committed adultery."

The nun replies, "That's OK, I have a confession to make, too.My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

A Drunk Man & the Priest.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".