Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 115

A Drunken Man.

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A minister, a Priest and a Rabbi.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A Preacher's Sermon.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

A Rabbi and a Cop.

There was a rabbi that comes out of his church every morning in New York to sweep up the sidewalk before ma.s.s begins.

Every day he runs into the same police officer walking his same beat. And every morning the police officer mutters some kind of ethnic slur at the Rabbi. "Dumb Jew," one morning. "Stupid Kike," the next morning.

Finally, after months of insults, the cop finally stops and says to the rabbi, "Hey, you Jews do your own circ.u.mcisions right?"

The rabbi replied, "Why yes we do."

"Ok," the cop says, "so what do you do with all the skins that are left over?"

"Well, it's relatively simple. After we've performed the circ.u.mcision, we take the foreskins and put them into a s...o...b..x. After that we bury them in the ground and wait."

"Now what the h.e.l.l do you do that for Rabbi?"

The rabbi turns to the cop and says, "Well we wait for them to grow into big d.i.c.ks, and then send them to New York to be cops!"

Absolution.

While the Pope was in the States he decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Hugh Grant. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I cheated on my girlfriend and got caught."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"

"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.

"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."

The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing .

Army of the Lord.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Blessings.

A priest and a rabbi who are very good friends coincidentally need to buy new cars at the same time, so they decide to go shopping together.

They visit all the automobile dealers, and both of them wind up choosing to buy the same model and same make of car. They buy the two automobiles and are just about to drive them out of the dealers.h.i.+p, when the priest says to his friend, "I have an idea. Wouldn't it be a nice gesture for each of us to bless the other one's car?"

"That's a great idea," replies the rabbi.

So the priest goes over to the rabbi's car and sprinkles it with holy water. Then the rabbi goes over to the priest's car and cuts an inch off the tail pipe.

Brides of Christ.

At a Ma.s.s at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began.

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the centre aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn't have time to inquire before the Ma.s.s began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ. "

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom. "