Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 116

Brother in Law can Pay.

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was rea.s.sured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoa.r.s.ely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to G.o.d."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

b.u.g.g.e.r Missed.

A priest and his friend Bob were playing golf. The priest was playing well on the day, but his friend was having difficulty with his putting. They reached the par 3, eighth, the priest hit a good shot, but Bob hit a peach of a shot, 18 inches from the hole. The priest putted up to the hole and tapped in, for his par, seeing his chance to pull a shot back. Bob stalked around sizing up the shot, he moved from side to side as he addressed the putt, when he was finally ready he took his stroke, and pulled it to the right, "b.u.g.g.e.r!missed!" he exclaimed.

The priest was rather shocked at him swearing. "My son" he said "G.o.d hears all obscenities". Bob apologized and they continued to the ninth. Once again the priest was playing his normal steady game, but Bob was in trouble in the rough and had no chance of reaching the green. However, he played a miracle shot, got a lucky bounce and his ball rolled and rolled stopping less that 3 feet from the hole. With even more determination than at the previous hole, he line up his shot - every thing taken in to consideration - he putted it looked good - slowly it rolled to the hole and stopped. Bob threw his putter to the ground "b.u.g.g.e.r! missed" even louder this time.

The priest looked at his head shaking no, "my son, G.o.d hears all obscenities" no sooner had he stopped talking the sky turned black, and a bolt of lightening streaked through the air, and killed the priest where he stood. Bob looked up and heard G.o.d exclaim "b.u.g.g.e.r missed!"

Confession.

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession.

He told the priest he'd had s.e.x the night before.

"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was dark." replied the boy.

"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?" The boy said he still didn't know.

"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was too dark." insisted the boy.

"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.

The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's ident.i.ty. Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.

Outside his mate was waiting anxiously.

"Did you get absolution?" he asked.

"Naw." said his pal. "But I got 4 names for the dance this Sat.u.r.day!"

Confession II.

A sixteen-year-old girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h."

"But father he also touched my b.r.e.a.s.t.s."

"You mean like this??" He touches her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-b.i.t.c.h!!!!!!!!!!!"

Confession.

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I l.u.s.ted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I l.u.s.ted. Oh, how I l.u.s.ted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.

"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be? "the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jacka.s.s."

Denounce the Devil.

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."