Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 120

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh G.o.d, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Room for the Night.

Two priests are making their way to a remote monastery by foot. To get there, however, they have to go through the town and the town is full of hookers.

The first they pa.s.s, flashes her thighs and says "Want some fun, just 20 bucks for the night". Anyway, the priests are shocked and hurry on their way.

This goes on about three more times.

The weather starts getting bad and they are nowhere near the monastery yet. A big storm is brewing, lightning flashes etc. the priests are very lucky to find a nunnery on their way.

They go in, explain their situation to the Mother Superior and ask if there is room to sleep. Then they ask "How much for the night?"

To which she answers "20 bucks, same as in town".

Sailors in Church Service.

Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a word of Swedish, and not wis.h.i.+ng to appear out of place, they sat behind an important looking man. When he stood up or knelt down, they did the same. At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.

As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter. "Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism... and would the father of the child please stand up."

Sleeping Around.

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful. "

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relations.h.i.+p with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, n.o.body was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but n.o.body was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, n.o.body was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.

So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is n.o.body around here except me."

St. Finger.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely la.s.s. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarra.s.sing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to t.i.tsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

The b.u.m & the Pope.

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this b.u.m standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. To the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the b.u.m, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the b.u.m and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.

Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a b.u.m. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the h.e.l.l out of here!"

The Evangelist.

The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor.

"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the s...o...b.. first ?"

The New Church.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new paris.h.i.+oners.

You must abstain from having s.e.x for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from s.e.x for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from s.e.x for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from s.e.x for two weeks?"

"No, Pastor, we were not able to go without s.e.x for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with l.u.s.t and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more, either."