Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 121

The New Nun's Secret

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanct.i.ty of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

The Nun.

At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible.

The man came and sat near by her hoping to get some companions.h.i.+p during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word.

However as time went by slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap.

The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said: Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in G.o.d?

Man : Yes, I do.

Nun : Have you read the bible ? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.

The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East coast.

Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lay open on page 157. The line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit higher."

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headb.u.t.ts her.

The Pope's Erection.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a ma.s.sive erection.

Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these for 30 years!"

The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time".

The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have ma.s.s in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"

The doctor replied "You have two options... either I can administer an injection to your p.e.n.i.s to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can make love to a woman.

The Pope says, no, I do not want the injection, so get me a nun. But there are three things: First, she must blind so she cannot see who does this thing to her.

Second, she must be deaf so she cannot hear who does this thing to her.

Third, she's gotta have really big t.i.ts.

The Priest and the Boy.

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

The Priest and the Nun.

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circ.u.mstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own d.a.m.n blanket.

Three Nuns and a Father.

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of p.o.r.nographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

Three Rabbis Playing Golf.

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.