Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 122

He asks them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom".

The rabbi retorted, "No No No! That one's for tennis!"

Two Nuns Traveling Europe.

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the winds.h.i.+eld.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the winds.h.i.+eld wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the winds.h.i.+eld washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the winds.h.i.+eld washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the f.u.c.k off our car!"

Which Sermon.

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Why Jewish are the Chosen Ones.

Well, When Moses was on earth back then he was given the Ten Commandments but he was not told actually what he should do with them.

He took them to England and confronted a Pom and asked, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Pom replied, "What's a Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Steal!"

The Pom replied, "p.i.s.s off, we don't want any of that here!"

Moses went to America and confronted a Yank with the same question, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Yank replied, "What's a Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery!"

The Yank replied, "Bug off, we don't want any of that here!"

And so Moses went on his way around the world always getting the same response until he arrived in Jerusalem.

Moses confronted a Jew with the same question, "Would you like a Commandment?"

The Jew replied, "How Much Are They?"

Moses replied, "Well....they're free!"

The Jew replied, "THEN I'LL TAKE TEN!"

Why Men Stand to Pee.

Seems G.o.d was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple, that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," G.o.d told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.

Oh please, G.o.d, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told G.o.d that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," G.o.d said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple o.r.g.a.s.ms."

World War II Confession.

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

Young Woman's Confession.

One day a young woman walks into the church and proceeds to go into confession.

"Father.... if I should ever see a mans p.e.n.i.s.... what should I do?"

"Well my child you should wash your eyes out with holy water" the priest replies.

"Well.............what if I..... touch a mans p.e.n.i.s?" the woman asks?

"Then you should wash your hands with holy water as well" he answers.

About two weeks later, the young lady is in the church and she is was.h.i.+ng her eyes and hands with the holy water.

Just then the priest walks in, sees her and says; "Excuse me Miss.... I think I need to brush my teeth."

2000 Pounds of Dynamite.